How to Find a Sexual Partner

Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to fuck. If you’re single and looking for casual fun, where do you turn? How do you get it? What’s the first step?

For women, it’s as simple as broadcasting your interest in casual fun. Men will come knocking at your door in masses, day and night, to get a piece of the action. Women can afford to be a lot pickier – and we often are – simply because we have that luxury.

Unfortunately men have the opposite problem; they have to push their way to the front of the crowd of horny, tactless boys. It’s highly competitive and often ends with rejection, for one reason or another. Here I will try to illustrate some concepts that MAY help a man get through the mental screening process.

*Side note: this is strictly from MY point of view. Every woman is different, and specific tactics will work on some but not others.

 

The Basics

Women are human beings. We have thoughts, feelings, desires, and pet peeves. TALK to us like normal people. Very rarely are casual encounters entirely about sex only – there’s usually some amount of communication or hanging out involved, even if you never see them again afterward. We want to hook up with someone we can enjoy from the start of an encounter to its conclusion. We also need to feel some basic level of safety in the situation (ie: trust that you aren’t violent predators, or potential needle-sharers).

We also want to make sure you’re not a selfish prick. Yes we know a casual hookup is a short term scenario, possibly even just one night, but we want to feel confident that you are interested in doing the job properly. Sex is usually straightforward for men – that’s often not the case for us. If we are going to let you in, we want to believe you’ll make it worth our while. *Side note: those who genuinely enjoy pleasing women, as opposed to those who do it from obligation, score more points in my book.

I encourage you to think about “picking up” like a job interview. Be polite, answer her questions thoroughly, build a rapport, and PROVE your worthiness for the position. Telling an interviewer you can do XYZ is essentially meaningless – explain WHY you want this position, and how you will excel at it. Why should she choose you for the job over all the other applicants? What makes you stand out from the rest?

Here are some of the criteria I look for in a casual encounter:

  • Communication – Will he be a fun person to talk to, before and after the physical stuff? Do we have anything in common to talk about?
  • Skill – How much experience does he have? Will I be forced to teach him what to do, or does he know enough? (either way is fine, I just like to know ahead of time so I’m not surprised)
  • Attraction – Is he actually attracted to ME, or just looking for anything with a vagina?
  • Needs – Does he seem like the type to do a good job? Will he thoroughly take care of MY needs as well as his own? Does he genuinely enjoy giving pleasure?
  • Safety – Will I be safe alone with him? Is he likely to have any STDs? Are we on the same page about protection and birth control?

The real trick is HOW you communicate this information without sounding creepy. In a job interview, you don’t just walk in and announce this information all at once. There is a game of give-and-take, a delicate exchange that happens over a period of time. This is a practiced skill that takes time to learn. You have to figure out how to read people, which is sometimes hard to do when you’re talking online.

Here are some signs that she probably isn’t into you:

  • One word or very short responses
  • Ambiguous answers that don’t really convey any information
  • Taking a long time to respond to each message
  • Avoiding setting up a time/place to meet
  • Talking in vague terms or in the third person

If you’re not getting a positive vibe, then let it go. From a woman’s perspective, we won’t spend a lot of time on someone we’ve mentally labeled “unworthy,” and it’s nearly impossible to change that label once she’s made up her mind. Someone can be designated as “unworthy” for any dozens of reasons, so don’t take it personally. We all have mental criteria which not everybody fulfills. It is what it is.

I’ve heard men complain about women who play games, or mislead guys for selfish purposes. Yes, that happens, more than it should, but often it comes from a specific type of experience: men can be cruel and sometimes violent when they’re rejected. It’s happened at least once to most women when it should never happen at all. I firmly believe that once ALL men handle rejection with respect and dignity, MORE women will be straightforward about our intentions. Generally speaking, of course – there are flakes in any gender.

Worst Ideas Ever – things that are guaranteed not to work

  • Unsolicited dick pics: it doesn’t matter how big or thick your penis is, if I haven’t given permission for you to send me a pic, then I will block you.
  • Aggressive behaviour: If I say NO, I mean NO. Trying to convince me to change my mind will result in an angry tirade at best, and getting your photo blasted online at worst.
  • Opening with sexual lines: If you mention sex in the first ten minutes (or approximately 10 messages), you will be rejected.
  • Asking for sexual favours: No matter how it’s worded, asking me to perform sexual acts or saying you want me to do something will be met with the block button.
  • Getting too personal: Asking for detailed information about my sexual history/exploits too early in the conversation will not go over well.

In summary:

  • TALK TO HER like a normal human being – ask her questions about herself, her hobbies & interests, and try to build a conversation based on something you have in common
  • Compliments go a long way, so long as they’re genuine. But too many compliments are creepy!
  • Show that you remember something she said earlier in the conversation – it proves you’re interested enough to pay attention to her words
  • I like lists

 

I will make another post featuring actual conversations I’ve had online, with descriptions of what’s good and what isn’t.

 

Happy playing! J

One Man’s Perspective on Consent

This article is amazing! This man tells a good truth that “women love sex even more than men, but they only love sex under the right conditions. Much like a garden won’t grow without the right soil, water and care, women won’t express themselves sexually unless they feel safe, and we as men have the brilliant opportunity to create that, and when we don’t we’re simply shooting ourselves in the foot.”

Read the article here: http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/i-promise-its-not-lame-to-ask-a-woman-for-permission/

Dating Site/App Reviews

Quick note: this post is targeted toward women.

POF

Plenty of Fish is actually pretty decent. It has a lot of filtering options and advanced search criteria. There seems to be a good representation of age, ethnicity, and locations. I’ve noticed there’s a larger percentage of working class (vs. white collar) people on there, probably because it’s a free site. I have had some unpleasant encounters but I’ve also met some quality people from there. I’ve noticed not many men actually put effort into writing a decent profile. All the same it’s definitely worth trying.

OKcupid

I love that you can instantly see the percentage you match with someone, which is generated by answering questions they provide. It helps to see how compatible you could be with someone before you even message them. The downside is that if you view someone’s profile, they get notified about it, so men tend to be pushier about getting a response. There seems to be a higher than normal amount of couples looking for a third to join them, and people in openly polyamorous relationships. I hate that about 90% of the messages I receive are from men in Africa and the Middle East, despite my profile saying locals only (I guess people on OKcupid don’t read). I’ve only met one person from that site and it was okay; not great but not terrible.

Happn

I had this app installed on my phone for about two days and then deleted it. My only match was with a horribly misogynistic guy who was super rude. It kind of turned me off the whole thing.

Whisper

I was shocked to discover that even the most innocent post will result in dozens, if not hundreds, of replies. Most of these come in the form of hormonal teenagers looking to get laid – and they are very aggressive about it. One respondent told me he’s hooked up with 15 different girls through Whisper, which completely blew my mind. It’s not meant to be a dating app but apparently it’s used that way. As an experiment, I whispered one word: sex. It had a photo of bright red lips. Within 1 minute, I had 6 private messages. By 5 minutes, I had 12. At the 10 minute mark I was up to 16.

Reddit

Although not traditionally used for dating, the r4r subreddit is where people post personal ads looking for anything from pen pals to casual hookups. I’ve posted a couple of times and have had some luck with responses. I’ve discovered that the best policy is to keep it short, preferably in list form, and blunt. Most men seem to have a “can’t hurt to try” mentality when they don’t fit my criteria which I find highly irritating – don’t respond if you’re not what I’m looking for!!! But once you wade through all those junk messages, there’s usually at least one or two gems worth getting to know.

Tinder

I think I may have had half a dozen conversations out of my hundreds of matches. Tinder seems to be more of a self-esteem booster than anything else and most people on there only want a quick hookup. The good thing is you don’t have to feel guilty about rejecting someone since only those you like can message you. The down side is people tend to be flaky and unresponsive, or they lose interest quickly and the conversation dwindles.

A Theory on Ethical Non-Monogamy

Despite becoming more popular, ethical non-monogamy still has a bad reputation for many people. I’ve heard the old saying, “She wants her cake and eat it too” far too many times. It’s not necessarily about that. Non-monogamy is an alternative lifestyle, one entered into by rational choice of both parties, and can be very fulfilling. I believe that, at least for me, the desire for this type of relationship stems from a basic evolutionary imperative leftover from our ancient chimpanzee ancestors.

The most fundamental drive that guides all living things, whether plant or animal, is survival of the species. By this I mean that at our core, humans are programmed to help the human species survive as a whole. Dogs ensure dogs survive, pine trees are concerned with survival of pine trees, and so on. This is not a rational choice – it is not a value judgement, decision, or a social construct. It is an uncontrollable, primal urge.

There are many examples of this phenomenon. Worker honey bees die after they sting a perceived threat – they sacrifice themselves for the good of the hive. Vampire bats will regurgitate food and share it with roost mates who are weak from hunger. And there are many species – including humans – whose mothers are willing to sacrifice themselves for the safety of their offspring.

The way a species survives over time is through meeting biological needs, reproduction, and adaptation. The former refers to basics like food, water, and air, while the latter means the ability to persist through changing conditions (ie: an ice age, or a dwindling food source, etc). Reproduction is both a biological and a social phenomenon; it requires some basic level of social cooperation to be successful, and operates biomechanically. In nature, females are most often attracted to those males who have the physical traits considered desirable for survival of the species. For example, if a woman has a choice between two mates, one who is sick with many different inherited ailments, and the other who appears healthy and physically fit, her primal attraction will favour the latter. Her base instinct will be to produce offspring with the greatest chances for survival.

Having said all of the above, humans have evolved significantly since our ancient ancestors diverged from chimpanzees. We are larger, smarter, and stronger. We are capable of understanding abstract concepts, using logic to make rational decisions, cooperating on a large scale, to feel a wide array of emotions, and to manipulate our environment. For the most part, we don’t answer to our primal urges anymore. Reproduction has become much more of a social concept done through careful mate selection based on emotions (love), economic status (money), and social status (arranged marriages).

Essentially, we have evolved to the point of being able to use reason over biological urges.

It is my theory that those who prefer non-monogamous situations do so because of the above mentioned primal biological imperative. It’s not that they cannot control the urge to copulate, it’s that they feel that animalistic urge more keenly than others. They choose primary partners based on love, common interests, and mutual respect; they choose casual sex partners who provoke a primal urge to reproduce – what I call “sexual chemistry.”

Even though these casual couplings rarely involve reproduction, they are driven by the fundamental urge to try. They may know their casual partner is not the best candidate for helping to raise offspring, for any number of reasons, but the primal urge for genetic superiority is very powerful.

Obviously this is just my personal theory. There could be dozens, if not hundreds, of other factors that lead someone to non-monogamy. Perhaps they are nymphomaniacs, have very unusual fetishes that their partner does not share, are genuinely afraid of monogamy, or get bored easily. No single reason is more or less valid than another.

The key point here is that when a couple makes a rational decision to engage in non-monogamy, no one else has the right to judge them. For many, it’s just part of their nature and is as unchangeable as homosexuality, skin colour, or favourite food. It may not be the standard lifestyle that most people embrace but if it doesn’t affect you then why does it matter? As always, what two consenting adults decide in the privacy of their bedroom is nobody else’s business.

For more information, see this map of non-monogamy, a description of relationship types, and my open relationship contract template.

Happy playing!

Re-Post: Zen and the Art of Online Dating

Like many people in my generation, I met my husband through online dating. However, unlike many of my friends, I preferred online dating to meeting dates in person. The men I met online were carefully selected and vetted, unlike the ones I met in bars or at parties. I felt like I worked out the […]

via Love Notes: Zen and the Art of Online Dating — the syntax of things

Personal FAQs

Here are answers to commonly asked questions I receive, in no particular order:

Biggest and smallest penises I have encountered

The biggest I’ve ever had was 9.5 inches and the smallest was probably 3-4 inches; both were difficult in different ways. The big one became very painful very quickly, especially with the extra friction from a condom, and I couldn’t manage many traditional positions. The smallest belonged to a guy who was a terrible lover; he didn’t care about my pleasure at all, and thought he was bigger than he actually was. I never corrected him but I was mentally laughing at his ego. Suffice to say that Small Boy only had one chance and never heard from me again.

My preferred penis size

I generally prefer anywhere from 6.5 inches to 8.5 inches at the absolute most. But I won’t turn down a potential lover if they fall outside that range because vaginal sex is only one part of sexual activities. It doesn’t take a well-endowed man to bring most women, myself included, immense pleasure.

Best and worst lovers I’ve had

My worst lover was Small Boy, as mentioned above, but once again not because he was small. His selfishness and ego, and total disinterest in making me feel good, are why he was awful. Had he actually cared about my pleasure even a little and he might have redeemed himself.

My best lover was a brief but intense affair. He was very passionate about pleasing me, not only for my sake, but because he genuinely got off on making me orgasm. It was almost like he could orgasm just from making me climax. He would beg to be allowed to please me – although not in a submissive way – because he loved doing it so much. He loved the scent, taste, and sight of women and femininity. His enthusiasm and passion were extremely arousing to me and made me feel relaxed and comfortable around him. He legitimately worshiped my body; he helped me feel sexy and cherished.

Best and worst sexual experiences

My best sex was the first time with my best lover, as described above. I was surprised because usually the first time with someone new involves a lot more fumbling and sloppiness than actual pleasure. But that first time we were together, when I experienced that level of passion, was something I’ll never forget.

I’ve had plenty of awful sex before, but there’s one specific instance that comes to mind as being among the worst. I was with my high school boyfriend and we were going at it. Right when I was about to orgasm, I heard one of my cats barfing up a hairball in the room. It completely ruined the moment and we couldn’t recover from the interruption that night. We laughed about it but I remember feeling extremely frustrated.

Turn ons, turn offs, and dealbreakers

My particular turn ons include blue eyes, being taller than me, and intelligence. If someone can talk philosophy or politics with me, I’ll be way more interested than some chiseled idiot. Also compassion, kindness, and an open mind are really big. Sure there are plenty of physical traits I love (like a cute butt!), but a personality can make or break attraction for me. As an example, I once worked with a guy who I thought was very, very sexy. I loved staring at him. Then one day he spewed vitriolic, misogynist nonsense from his mouth-hole and the attraction was instantly gone. It never came back.

I have several major turn offs: selfishness, egotism, willful ignorance, rudeness, and right-wing blabbermouths (see: Donald Trump). Again the basic physical appearance is much less important than personality, integrity, and strength of character. Also I really hate when men wear socks during sex.

I have only a few select dealbreakers: when someone doesn’t speak English fluently (that becomes a communication issue); guys who don’t trim their toenails; not liking animals (in a platonic way – I just don’t trust someone who can’t connect with animals on some level); people who judge others for stupid reasons; and people who are pushy. Anyone trying to impose their values on me will get an earful and/or blocked; I don’t judge you, so you don’t get to judge me. End of story.

I also feel inclined to post this disclaimer: EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. What I find attractive or repulsive is totally irrelevant. You need to find someone who YOU find attractive, and who reciprocates that sentiment.

Best and worst ways to meet someone

I am in no way an expert on this subject. I have met people in many different ways: online, through mutual friends or friends of family members, at common activities (school, work, etc), and randomly. What I can do is give a breakdown of how many people I’ve met through different activities as follows:

meetinglovers

In a future post, I will review various dating apps and websites based on my personal experiences. Online dating seems to be the way to go these days for many reasons; it’s certainly an arena that’s expanding rapidly.

Happy playing!

Levels of Sexual Intensity

A friend recently asked me some complex questions about sex that required me to think about sexual activities in a different way. He asked me about the end goal of certain activities and what steps one might take to get there.

For instance, what is total domination? How do you start? What steps happen in between the beginning and the end?

Continue reading “Levels of Sexual Intensity”

A First Time Story

Shortly after my 16th birthday, my girlfriend of about 6 months invited me over for the day.

We had up until that time been sexually active in every way except for actual intercourse. We had traded pictures, I had fingered her, eaten her out, received head, as well as hand jobs but neither of us had really broached the subject of sex.

In retrospect I probably should have pushed the subject a little more, but in all honesty had been fine as long as I came. So it didn’t matter as long as she was the one to provide it, for it did heighten the experience to have another do it instead of oneself. I saw sex just as another form of this and nothing more.

Anyway the day I went over her mom was out at work and we had the place to ourselves, so naturally as we had done many times before we began playing truth or dare. Each dare getting a little bit raunchier. The excitement was building; each of us had been pushing our boundaries and feeling one another out. Finally she told me that she had wanted to have sex for awhile and had specifically chosen for me to come over that day because her mom was out. So we went into the bedroom, all of our earlier excitement and energy having faded we undressed, and got into bed.

She got on top of me, put a condom on, and pulled the covers over us. I slid in and we began slowly to rise up and down. She grimaced a bit and we took it slow; it ended up lasting about 10 minutes. I remember thinking I would rather get head than this as it provides a lot more pleasure; because it was so tight it hurt her so we went really slow.

But we ended up doing it a second and a third time and a fourth time and jesus christ did I like it after the initial hesitation.

—M.O, male, 21 years old