How to Find a Sexual Partner

Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to fuck. If you’re single and looking for casual fun, where do you turn? How do you get it? What’s the first step?

For women, it’s as simple as broadcasting your interest in casual fun. Men will come knocking at your door in masses, day and night, to get a piece of the action. Women can afford to be a lot pickier – and we often are – simply because we have that luxury.

Unfortunately men have the opposite problem; they have to push their way to the front of the crowd of horny, tactless boys. It’s highly competitive and often ends with rejection, for one reason or another. Here I will try to illustrate some concepts that MAY help a man get through the mental screening process.

*Side note: this is strictly from MY point of view. Every woman is different, and specific tactics will work on some but not others.

 

The Basics

Women are human beings. We have thoughts, feelings, desires, and pet peeves. TALK to us like normal people. Very rarely are casual encounters entirely about sex only – there’s usually some amount of communication or hanging out involved, even if you never see them again afterward. We want to hook up with someone we can enjoy from the start of an encounter to its conclusion. We also need to feel some basic level of safety in the situation (ie: trust that you aren’t violent predators, or potential needle-sharers).

We also want to make sure you’re not a selfish prick. Yes we know a casual hookup is a short term scenario, possibly even just one night, but we want to feel confident that you are interested in doing the job properly. Sex is usually straightforward for men – that’s often not the case for us. If we are going to let you in, we want to believe you’ll make it worth our while. *Side note: those who genuinely enjoy pleasing women, as opposed to those who do it from obligation, score more points in my book.

I encourage you to think about “picking up” like a job interview. Be polite, answer her questions thoroughly, build a rapport, and PROVE your worthiness for the position. Telling an interviewer you can do XYZ is essentially meaningless – explain WHY you want this position, and how you will excel at it. Why should she choose you for the job over all the other applicants? What makes you stand out from the rest?

Here are some of the criteria I look for in a casual encounter:

  • Communication – Will he be a fun person to talk to, before and after the physical stuff? Do we have anything in common to talk about?
  • Skill – How much experience does he have? Will I be forced to teach him what to do, or does he know enough? (either way is fine, I just like to know ahead of time so I’m not surprised)
  • Attraction – Is he actually attracted to ME, or just looking for anything with a vagina?
  • Needs – Does he seem like the type to do a good job? Will he thoroughly take care of MY needs as well as his own? Does he genuinely enjoy giving pleasure?
  • Safety – Will I be safe alone with him? Is he likely to have any STDs? Are we on the same page about protection and birth control?

The real trick is HOW you communicate this information without sounding creepy. In a job interview, you don’t just walk in and announce this information all at once. There is a game of give-and-take, a delicate exchange that happens over a period of time. This is a practiced skill that takes time to learn. You have to figure out how to read people, which is sometimes hard to do when you’re talking online.

Here are some signs that she probably isn’t into you:

  • One word or very short responses
  • Ambiguous answers that don’t really convey any information
  • Taking a long time to respond to each message
  • Avoiding setting up a time/place to meet
  • Talking in vague terms or in the third person

If you’re not getting a positive vibe, then let it go. From a woman’s perspective, we won’t spend a lot of time on someone we’ve mentally labeled “unworthy,” and it’s nearly impossible to change that label once she’s made up her mind. Someone can be designated as “unworthy” for any dozens of reasons, so don’t take it personally. We all have mental criteria which not everybody fulfills. It is what it is.

I’ve heard men complain about women who play games, or mislead guys for selfish purposes. Yes, that happens, more than it should, but often it comes from a specific type of experience: men can be cruel and sometimes violent when they’re rejected. It’s happened at least once to most women when it should never happen at all. I firmly believe that once ALL men handle rejection with respect and dignity, MORE women will be straightforward about our intentions. Generally speaking, of course – there are flakes in any gender.

Worst Ideas Ever – things that are guaranteed not to work

  • Unsolicited dick pics: it doesn’t matter how big or thick your penis is, if I haven’t given permission for you to send me a pic, then I will block you.
  • Aggressive behaviour: If I say NO, I mean NO. Trying to convince me to change my mind will result in an angry tirade at best, and getting your photo blasted online at worst.
  • Opening with sexual lines: If you mention sex in the first ten minutes (or approximately 10 messages), you will be rejected.
  • Asking for sexual favours: No matter how it’s worded, asking me to perform sexual acts or saying you want me to do something will be met with the block button.
  • Getting too personal: Asking for detailed information about my sexual history/exploits too early in the conversation will not go over well.

In summary:

  • TALK TO HER like a normal human being – ask her questions about herself, her hobbies & interests, and try to build a conversation based on something you have in common
  • Compliments go a long way, so long as they’re genuine. But too many compliments are creepy!
  • Show that you remember something she said earlier in the conversation – it proves you’re interested enough to pay attention to her words
  • I like lists

 

I will make another post featuring actual conversations I’ve had online, with descriptions of what’s good and what isn’t.

 

Happy playing! J

A First Time Story

Shortly after my 16th birthday, my girlfriend of about 6 months invited me over for the day.

We had up until that time been sexually active in every way except for actual intercourse. We had traded pictures, I had fingered her, eaten her out, received head, as well as hand jobs but neither of us had really broached the subject of sex.

In retrospect I probably should have pushed the subject a little more, but in all honesty had been fine as long as I came. So it didn’t matter as long as she was the one to provide it, for it did heighten the experience to have another do it instead of oneself. I saw sex just as another form of this and nothing more.

Anyway the day I went over her mom was out at work and we had the place to ourselves, so naturally as we had done many times before we began playing truth or dare. Each dare getting a little bit raunchier. The excitement was building; each of us had been pushing our boundaries and feeling one another out. Finally she told me that she had wanted to have sex for awhile and had specifically chosen for me to come over that day because her mom was out. So we went into the bedroom, all of our earlier excitement and energy having faded we undressed, and got into bed.

She got on top of me, put a condom on, and pulled the covers over us. I slid in and we began slowly to rise up and down. She grimaced a bit and we took it slow; it ended up lasting about 10 minutes. I remember thinking I would rather get head than this as it provides a lot more pleasure; because it was so tight it hurt her so we went really slow.

But we ended up doing it a second and a third time and a fourth time and jesus christ did I like it after the initial hesitation.

—M.O, male, 21 years old

The Female Orgasm

For the most part, men have a much easier time achieving orgasm. This is largely because their sex organs are on the outside and are easily accessed. Of course, there are some men who have a difficult time reaching climax, for various reasons, but in my experience most men have an easier time of it than women.

I’ve previously discussed the fundamentals of menstruation and the anatomy of the vulva, but to truly delve into orgasms, more anatomy info is needed. I’ll try to make it as simple as possible.

anatomy_of_the_clitoris1

As you can see, what most people call “The Clit” is just the small nub that is visible in the vulva, while a vast majority of this organ is actually internal.

The clitoris is a lot like a penis – when a woman is aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and becomes engorged. This makes it much more sensitive. At the same time, the vagina expands and lubricates to prepare for penetration and eventual fertilization. It’s a lot of internal shifting that happens.

What this means is that anyone who knows how to stimulate the clitoris, not just The Clit, will have an easier time getting a woman to orgasm.

As I wrote in a post about blowjobs, I will reiterate here: the best oral sex is about starting slowly and building the pace. Chasing an orgasm feels the best when you treat it like a symphony, a crescendo of intensity that builds to a grand finale. Or on a smaller scale, think of it like “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen – it starts slow and simple, gradually adds elements, and shifts to other things before a truly explosive ending. That’s how a good orgasm happens.

So, on to technique. That’s the biggest hurdle. I can talk all day about stimulation and arousal but if you don’t know how to do it, this conversation is pointless.

There are two basic methods: fingers and tongue. I will refer to the following image for reference:

fo1

Fingers

Although The Clit is undoubtedly the focal point of the vulva, you don’t have to directly stimulate it. Try rubbing the areas to the left and right of it (illustrated in green), which is where the clitoris lies hidden beneath skin. This is outside of the labia minora, or inner lips. Rub in upward/downward motions, using about the same amount of pressure you would if rubbing your eye.

Another hot spot is the clitoral hood, which is a fleshy protective casing that covers The Clit (illustrated in blue). Some women are too sensitive to have The Clit directly stimulated, but rubbing the hood MAY provide enough of a barrier to make it enjoyable. Start very very gently and gradually increase the pressure as she gets closer to orgasm. Generally a circular motion works well for this spot.

Check in with her frequently by asking if she likes what you’re doing. You can say, “Does that feel good? Do you want it harder? Is that spot sensitive?” and so forth. If she pushes her pelvis against your fingers, trying to increase the pressure, then you can press a little harder.

Tongue

The same spots apply whether using fingers or tongue, but tonguing technique is a little different. Start out by licking/kissing other parts – inner thighs, lower abdomen, etc. – and gradually make your way to The Clit. The build-up of anticipation will have her squirming with desire. Sometimes I like to blow air on The Clit before making contact. But no matter what you do, the ultimate goal is to stimulate the clitoris/The Clit to orgasm.

Many men make the mistake of thinking women want their vaginal opening stimulated with tongue, as if mimicking penile penetration. While some do enjoy this, from my experience the arousal gained from that action is more psychological than physical. A penis feels great, fingers are awesome, but a tongue is too short and soft to be really pleasurable. Focus your tongue on The Clit and leave the vagina for your fingers.

Actual technique with the tongue varies. Here are some suggestions that have proven popular:

  • Spell out the alphabet slowly, one letter at a time, with your tongue sweeping over The Clit
  • Sweep your tongue in circular motions and change direction every so often
  • Pull the clitoral hood into your mouth and suck on it and/or tongue it rapidly like a snake
  • Lick the entire vulva, from anus to The Clit, in one long, slow motion, then focus rapid motions on The Clit
  • As you tongue The Clit, insert fingers into the vagina and either mimick the movement a penis would make, going in and out, or rub the g-spot

General Tips

The best advice I can give is to try everything at least once with each new partner. Every woman is different, and not all women know what they like, particularly if they are inexperienced. ALWAYS START GENTLE, then build up from there. And remember that The Clit has twice as many nerve endings in a pea-sized area than the entire male penis.

Finally, here are some general observations that can take oral sex from mediocre to mindblowing:

  • Read her body language. Moaning, groaning, squirming, shaking, gripping onto things (sheets, your head, etc) are all good signs!
  • She may move around a lot when she’s getting close to orgasm – holding her in place takes physical strength, but it may be necessary, and can actually be arousing for her to be pinned down
  • When she’s getting close to orgasm, DO NOT LOSE CONTACT WITH THE CLIT. An orgasm requires two things: heat and pressure. If you take your tongue off The Clit you lose both, which sets her progress back a few steps and prolongs the process
  • Oral sex is a time commitment. Some can finish quickly, but some take a long time. Be ready to stick it out for the long haul. It will be worth it in the end!
  • If she says she’s climaxed and The Clit isn’t too sensitive to touch, then she probably didn’t actually orgasm

Personal Sexperience & Life Lessons

My first time wasn’t very glamorous. I was 15 years old and had been dating my boyfriend (we’ll call him Justin) for about a month. He was the first one to ever get past first base – in fact we rocketed from first base to third without much preamble. I liked him, I trusted him, but I didn’t love him. We had fun and we cared about each other, but I didn’t love him.

One day we were getting hot and heavy and our clothes ended up strewn all over the floor. He was hard, I was wet, and we were grinding against each other. Then somehow it just ended up inside me (I should mention here that I accidentally broke my hymen when I was 8 due to a gymnastics mishap). We both looked at each other, wide-eyed and unsure, before lust overcame us both and we just went with it.

I didn’t particularly enjoy it – I was caught up in how weird the sensation felt. Once Justin was spent inside me (we didn’t use a condom), we kind of lay there together not speaking. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, we just had no idea what to say. We hadn’t discussed sex, nor had we planned for anything to happen. It was accidental sex.

I’d had opportunities before but they never seemed like ideal situations. I wasn’t someone who expected roses and candles for my first time, but I trusted my instincts. I wasn’t mad, sad, or upset in any way that my first time wasn’t special. I felt different afterward. It took me a good two days to really process what had happened, and get used to the idea of no longer being a virgin.

Now, with 20 years of hindsight, I have much more perspective on things.

I don’t regret dating Justin, nor do I regret that we were intimate. I do wish I had waited to have actual sex, because 6 months later I could have shared that gift with my first real love. Justin and I will always have that connection of being each other’s first. Although we remained friends on and off for another ten years, we are no longer in contact; I can’t help but wish I’d given that gift to someone special. It is an incredibly personal thing to give someone your virginity.

I’m also incredibly grateful that the lack of condom didn’t lead to pregnancy. I was VERY lucky in that regard.

Some people say giving yourself at any time is special, whether it’s the first or not. Some hold sex as a sacred thing to be shared only when truly in love. I’ve even met someone who couldn’t physically be with someone unless there were strong feelings between them. I personally don’t subscribe to that philosophy.

The best sex you can have is with someone you love, that much I won’t debate. Being able to fully trust someone and let go in a supportive environment makes everything that much more potent. Sex is at its finest when you know your partner is genuinely interested in pleasing you.

But you can still have a lot of fun without an emotional connection. It won’t be the same level of deep satisfaction – it may get you off, but it won’t fulfill you to the core. And sometimes that’s okay! I think having mediocre or less satisfying sex is good, in a way, because it helps us to appreciate the good stuff even more by comparison. And being able to fulfill your particularly lewd/kinky fantasies is immensely pleasurable. Most of us have a sexual bucketlist, and not all items can be fulfilled while in a relationship. Experimenting is great, expanding your horizons can be fun, and experience helps us fine tune our technique as we learn from others. Sex is awesome.

In the 20 years since Justin, I have had a full spectrum of amazing and horrifying experiences. I have learned a lot and tried many things, pushed my limits and pursued challenges. And I have gained a lot of perspective about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

Here is a list of conclusions I’ve drawn from my experiences:

  • Unless you know with absolute certainty that your relationship is monogamous without cheating, always use a condom. ALWAYS. STIs are common and very annoying. Most of them are easily treated but they’re a huge hassle. It’s a good idea to keep condoms with you at all times in case you need one.
  • NO MEANS NO. Never let someone talk you into something that makes you uncomfortable. If they try, get up and walk away. There are plenty of other people who will be respectful of your limits.
  • The best lovers are those who want to please you more than they want to be pleased. Someone who genuinely enjoys giving pleasure, and even gets off on doing it, is usually great at what they do. ALWAYS reciprocate the attention they give you.
  • Sex is only good when there’s communication. Don’t be afraid to say if something hurts, or if they’re doing it wrong. Talk about your needs, desires, and hot spots. Everyone is different and most people want to learn how to please you. If they’re unreceptive, walk away.
  • Similarly, let your partner know when they’re doing well. Moans and groans go a long way.
  • TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If a situation/person/activity makes you hesitate, then get out of it. Your subconscious brain can pick up on subtle cues that the conscious brain often ignores or minimizes. Your gut always knows best.
  • NEVER openly criticize someone’s body. You’re lucky you get to see it at all. If you think there’s something to be concerned about for health reasons, be tactful and respectful in mentioning it.
  • Try not to compare different partners. Everyone is unique and no two experiences, even with the same person, will be exactly alike. Comparisons don’t serve any purpose except to make us critical and judgemental.
  • Penis size matters a lot less than most people think. I’d rather be with a man who’s smaller but talented than with some hung idiot.
  • As long as they’re legal, safe, and consensual, explore your fetishes! Don’t feel guilty for having them – no one has to know but you and the person you play with.
  • The number of partners someone has had does not reflect who they are or their level of skill. Someone can have 100 partners under their belt and still be a terrible lover. Also, just because someone has had lots of partners, it doesn’t mean they don’t have standards. Numbers don’t really mean a whole lot in the bigger picture.
  • The brain is the largest erogenous zone. Example: I find a hearty philosophical debate more of a turn-on than dick pics. Stimulate the mind, then stimulate the body.
  • There are many different types of sex. Each has an appropriate time and place.
  • NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER. They will always find out one way or another. The satisfaction you get from a night of passion isn’t worth the heartache you cause someone you care about. If you’re tempted to stray, sit down and figure out why that is. Cheating is often reflective of a deeper issue in the relationship, which isn’t necessarily about sex.
  • It’s a fact that you will be rejected far more than you will succeed; learn to shake it off.

FAQ: The Vagina

The vagina. Pussy. Twat. Cunt. Kitty. Snatch. Box. Fuckhole. Flower. Bearded clam.

It’s an enigma wrapped in a paradox underneath a blanket of questions. So I went on Whisper and said I would answer any questions about the vagina. Here are the most commonly asked questions and my respective answers:

What’s the difference between squirt and cum?

This requires some basic anatomy to properly address. First, women’s genitals have three main holes. YES! THREE! There’s the anus, the vagina, and the urethra. The urethral opening is usually very small and unnoticeable, and it located between the clitoris and the vaginal opening.

Second, this question is tougher to answer because of the language. Some men think squirting is cumming, others think cum is the thicker fluid that comes out during sex. I tend to go with the latter – squirting is separate from cum.

Cum is the thicker, almost gooey whitish stuff that comes with sex. The vagina produces this both as a lubricant for penetration and as a catalyst to help sperm survive the trip to the uterus. The consistency will vary depending on the woman’s menstrual cycle; the fluid tends to be thickest just before ovulation, and thinnest before and after bleeding. The amount a woman produces will vary depending on the individual.

There is a great deal of debate about what squirt is, and where it comes from. The only thing known with absolute certainty is that it’s released from the urethral region, NOT the vagina, and is a very thin liquid. All squirt has at least a trace of urine in it. The most common belief is that Skene’s glands are what create and store this liquid, and when these glands are stimulated they abruptly push the liquid out through tiny exits near the urethra.

0216whnp_otcdyspareunia-figure

So… to summarize…

Vaginal cum = thicker, sometimes white, comes from vagina

Squirt = thinner, mostly clear, comes from urethral region

What is bottoming out? Why does it happen?

This occurs when a penis is longer than the vagina; during sex, the penis pushes on the cervix, often painfully.

Each woman has a different size and shape to their vagina – just like a finger print or snowflake, no two vaginas are exactly alike. Some can take longer penises than others. Much like a penis, a vagina actually enlarges and expands when it’s aroused, making it able to encompass more of the penis. According to WebMD and Maxim, an aroused vagina averages at 4.5 inches in depth. Keep in mind that number is an AVERAGE; some will be deeper, some shallower.

But there is also the cervix to consider. The cervix acts as a barrier between the vagina and the uterus, and is somewhat elastic. It can stretch to a certain point before becoming painful. As a woman who has been told by multiple doctors I have a deep vagina, I can take about 8 inches before it gets uncomfortable.

Does larger labia mean she’s had more sex than others?

NO!!!

Like vaginas, finger prints, and snowflakes, each women’s labia is unique and dictated by genetics. Larger labia does not mean she’s “loose,” nor will having many sexual partners loosen the skin of the labia. This is a complete myth.

Can women squeeze the vagina to make it tighter?

Yes. The pelvic floor muscles are a large group that connects the vagina, anus, and bladder. Like any other muscles, they can benefit from strengthening exercises to help with incontinence or to make sex more pleasurable. Here is a guide from the Mayo Clinic about doing Kegel Exercises.

What are the most sensitive spots?

There isn’t one universal answer for this, because each woman is unique. The vulva as a whole is more sensitive than most other body parts, though there are a few areas that should be focused on. The clit and the g-spot are two absolutely crucial must-stimulate areas – she’s probably going to have a bad time if you don’t at least give the clit some attention. Some women have sensitive labia, others don’t. Some find touching the g-spot painful, while others need a lot of pressure.

A good rule is to start gentle and gradually increase pressure with increased arousal, and lubricate everything you touch down there! Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you go along: “Is this okay? Does this feel good? Do you want it harder? How do you like it?”

Why do vaginas smell?

Random fact: the vagina is actually a smorgasbord of bacteria. It’s a delicate balance of helpful bacteria, like the kind found in pro-biotic yogurt, and dangerous intrusive bacteria. Natural lubrication from the vagina helps keep it clean and flush out the bad bacteria. This fluid has a naturally mild odour/taste that is unique to each woman and may change a little throughout her monthly cycle.

Sometimes the bad bacteria can take over and cause infections, which can cause a whole host of unpleasant symptoms, including a strong, foul smell. These infections can be easily addressed by a doctor with either antibiotics or yeast treatment, depending on the problem.

If your partner’s vagina is unpleasant smelling or tasting, gently bring it up to her and suggest she see her doctor. This is tricky because most of us are very self-conscious about our lady bits, thanks to porn and popular culture, so be tactful, respectful and supportive.

BDSM for Noobs

 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. It’s a blanket term which includes a very long list of traditionally unconventional forms of sensuality. Though it is most often practiced in a sexual context – as a form of sex – it is not necessarily sexual in itself. Simply put: BDSM does not always include sex!

Continue reading “BDSM for Noobs”

Menstruation 101 for Men

Guys, let’s face it: unless you’re gay, celibate, or asexual, your life will most likely be influenced by menstruation at some point. Society treats menstruation as some taboo subject that should not be discussed, but this is utter bullshit. Every guy (except those mentioned above) should have a basic understanding of this natural process women are forced to endure each month.

So, here goes nothing!

Menstruation is the series of bodily changes women undergo each month as part of fertility. The purpose of menstruation is to have babies. If a woman does not get pregnant in a cycle, she will start it all over again. This whole process is regulated by various hormones which increase and decrease throughout the month to facilitate these changes.

Each cycle lasts between 21 and 35 days, averaging at 28 days. A woman’s “period,” or menstrual flow (AKA when they bleed from the vagina), starts on day one and typically lasts between three and seven days. Days 14-17 are when she ovulates and can get pregnant. Assuming a cycle of 28 days, she will start PMS anywhere from day 21 to day 25 and it will last until day 2 of the next cycle.

*Side note: PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome and occurs BEFORE bleeding begins.

I bet that sounds confusing. Here’s a graphic:

menses

The droplets are, of course, when bleeding occurs. As you can see, a rapid drop in both estrogen and progesterone results in PMS (symbolized by the radioactive symbol).

The first column illustrates the four phases of the cycle: menstrual, follicular, ovulation, and luteal. The colourful lines show the changes in hormones.

Here is a very basic anatomical chart of the female reproductive system so you can follow along:

female-reproductive-system

Here’s the short short version of what happens:

Days 6-13: follicular phase

During this time, rising estrogen tells the uterus to start thickening its lining with nutrient-dense blood in order to feed a baby. The ovaries prepare an egg, to be fertilized by sperm from a male.

Day 14: Ovulation

When estrogen is high enough, it triggers the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) to spike, which causes the egg to travel down the fallopian tube to the uterus. When it isn’t met with any sperm, estrogen begins to rapidly decline.

Days 15-28: luteal phase

Progesterone and estrogen increase in order to support a fertilized egg, but when they realize it wasn’t fertilized both hormones drop at the same time. This causes PMS symptoms.

Days 1-5: Menstrual Phase

When progesterone and estrogen are low enough, the uterus is told to shed all the extra blood it saved up during the follicular phase, which is flushed out through the vagina. The uterus muscles contract to push out this material, causing occasionally severe cramping.

A Brief Disclaimer…

It is important to note that this is a general description of what takes place and so makes a few assumptions: 1) That a woman operates on a regular 28 day cycle; 2) That there are no other factors which may influence her cycle, such as cancer or hormonal imbalance; 3) She is not taking birth control pills or other hormone supplements. Not all women ovulate on day 14, and not all women have regular cycles. This is roughly what should happen if everything is working normally.