Teachable Moment #1

Let me set the scene:

A guy I met on Whisper a couple of months ago seemed nice. He was friendly, seemed caring, and I found him attractive. I was about to suggest a meeting when he started talking about wanting to “get his dick wet.” I realized he was only nice to try to sleep with me, so I ended the conversation promptly and politely. I had no desire to be used like that especially when his intentions weren’t clear from the beginning.

This morning, he messaged me again. Here’s what happened (His words are in blue and mine are pink. The red writing is my commentary on the conversation):

asstalk

This is an abridged version of the conversation. I cut out the stuff that didn’t really pertain to the topic.

I’m posting this so women can understand what red flags to look for when talking to men online, and for men to understand what a woman is thinking when they act like assholes.

I hope someone, somewhere learns a lesson from this otherwise giant waste of time.

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How to Find a Sexual Partner

Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to fuck. If you’re single and looking for casual fun, where do you turn? How do you get it? What’s the first step?

For women, it’s as simple as broadcasting your interest in casual fun. Men will come knocking at your door in masses, day and night, to get a piece of the action. Women can afford to be a lot pickier – and we often are – simply because we have that luxury.

Unfortunately men have the opposite problem; they have to push their way to the front of the crowd of horny, tactless boys. It’s highly competitive and often ends with rejection, for one reason or another. Here I will try to illustrate some concepts that MAY help a man get through the mental screening process.

*Side note: this is strictly from MY point of view. Every woman is different, and specific tactics will work on some but not others.

 

The Basics

Women are human beings. We have thoughts, feelings, desires, and pet peeves. TALK to us like normal people. Very rarely are casual encounters entirely about sex only – there’s usually some amount of communication or hanging out involved, even if you never see them again afterward. We want to hook up with someone we can enjoy from the start of an encounter to its conclusion. We also need to feel some basic level of safety in the situation (ie: trust that you aren’t violent predators, or potential needle-sharers).

We also want to make sure you’re not a selfish prick. Yes we know a casual hookup is a short term scenario, possibly even just one night, but we want to feel confident that you are interested in doing the job properly. Sex is usually straightforward for men – that’s often not the case for us. If we are going to let you in, we want to believe you’ll make it worth our while. *Side note: those who genuinely enjoy pleasing women, as opposed to those who do it from obligation, score more points in my book.

I encourage you to think about “picking up” like a job interview. Be polite, answer her questions thoroughly, build a rapport, and PROVE your worthiness for the position. Telling an interviewer you can do XYZ is essentially meaningless – explain WHY you want this position, and how you will excel at it. Why should she choose you for the job over all the other applicants? What makes you stand out from the rest?

Here are some of the criteria I look for in a casual encounter:

  • Communication – Will he be a fun person to talk to, before and after the physical stuff? Do we have anything in common to talk about?
  • Skill – How much experience does he have? Will I be forced to teach him what to do, or does he know enough? (either way is fine, I just like to know ahead of time so I’m not surprised)
  • Attraction – Is he actually attracted to ME, or just looking for anything with a vagina?
  • Needs – Does he seem like the type to do a good job? Will he thoroughly take care of MY needs as well as his own? Does he genuinely enjoy giving pleasure?
  • Safety – Will I be safe alone with him? Is he likely to have any STDs? Are we on the same page about protection and birth control?

The real trick is HOW you communicate this information without sounding creepy. In a job interview, you don’t just walk in and announce this information all at once. There is a game of give-and-take, a delicate exchange that happens over a period of time. This is a practiced skill that takes time to learn. You have to figure out how to read people, which is sometimes hard to do when you’re talking online.

Here are some signs that she probably isn’t into you:

  • One word or very short responses
  • Ambiguous answers that don’t really convey any information
  • Taking a long time to respond to each message
  • Avoiding setting up a time/place to meet
  • Talking in vague terms or in the third person

If you’re not getting a positive vibe, then let it go. From a woman’s perspective, we won’t spend a lot of time on someone we’ve mentally labeled “unworthy,” and it’s nearly impossible to change that label once she’s made up her mind. Someone can be designated as “unworthy” for any dozens of reasons, so don’t take it personally. We all have mental criteria which not everybody fulfills. It is what it is.

I’ve heard men complain about women who play games, or mislead guys for selfish purposes. Yes, that happens, more than it should, but often it comes from a specific type of experience: men can be cruel and sometimes violent when they’re rejected. It’s happened at least once to most women when it should never happen at all. I firmly believe that once ALL men handle rejection with respect and dignity, MORE women will be straightforward about our intentions. Generally speaking, of course – there are flakes in any gender.

Worst Ideas Ever – things that are guaranteed not to work

  • Unsolicited dick pics: it doesn’t matter how big or thick your penis is, if I haven’t given permission for you to send me a pic, then I will block you.
  • Aggressive behaviour: If I say NO, I mean NO. Trying to convince me to change my mind will result in an angry tirade at best, and getting your photo blasted online at worst.
  • Opening with sexual lines: If you mention sex in the first ten minutes (or approximately 10 messages), you will be rejected.
  • Asking for sexual favours: No matter how it’s worded, asking me to perform sexual acts or saying you want me to do something will be met with the block button.
  • Getting too personal: Asking for detailed information about my sexual history/exploits too early in the conversation will not go over well.

In summary:

  • TALK TO HER like a normal human being – ask her questions about herself, her hobbies & interests, and try to build a conversation based on something you have in common
  • Compliments go a long way, so long as they’re genuine. But too many compliments are creepy!
  • Show that you remember something she said earlier in the conversation – it proves you’re interested enough to pay attention to her words
  • I like lists

 

I will make another post featuring actual conversations I’ve had online, with descriptions of what’s good and what isn’t.

 

Happy playing! J

One Man’s Perspective on Consent

This article is amazing! This man tells a good truth that “women love sex even more than men, but they only love sex under the right conditions. Much like a garden won’t grow without the right soil, water and care, women won’t express themselves sexually unless they feel safe, and we as men have the brilliant opportunity to create that, and when we don’t we’re simply shooting ourselves in the foot.”

Read the article here: http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/i-promise-its-not-lame-to-ask-a-woman-for-permission/

Levels of Sexual Intensity

A friend recently asked me some complex questions about sex that required me to think about sexual activities in a different way. He asked me about the end goal of certain activities and what steps one might take to get there.

For instance, what is total domination? How do you start? What steps happen in between the beginning and the end?

Continue reading “Levels of Sexual Intensity”

The Female Orgasm

For the most part, men have a much easier time achieving orgasm. This is largely because their sex organs are on the outside and are easily accessed. Of course, there are some men who have a difficult time reaching climax, for various reasons, but in my experience most men have an easier time of it than women.

I’ve previously discussed the fundamentals of menstruation and the anatomy of the vulva, but to truly delve into orgasms, more anatomy info is needed. I’ll try to make it as simple as possible.

anatomy_of_the_clitoris1

As you can see, what most people call “The Clit” is just the small nub that is visible in the vulva, while a vast majority of this organ is actually internal.

The clitoris is a lot like a penis – when a woman is aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and becomes engorged. This makes it much more sensitive. At the same time, the vagina expands and lubricates to prepare for penetration and eventual fertilization. It’s a lot of internal shifting that happens.

What this means is that anyone who knows how to stimulate the clitoris, not just The Clit, will have an easier time getting a woman to orgasm.

As I wrote in a post about blowjobs, I will reiterate here: the best oral sex is about starting slowly and building the pace. Chasing an orgasm feels the best when you treat it like a symphony, a crescendo of intensity that builds to a grand finale. Or on a smaller scale, think of it like “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen – it starts slow and simple, gradually adds elements, and shifts to other things before a truly explosive ending. That’s how a good orgasm happens.

So, on to technique. That’s the biggest hurdle. I can talk all day about stimulation and arousal but if you don’t know how to do it, this conversation is pointless.

There are two basic methods: fingers and tongue. I will refer to the following image for reference:

fo1

Fingers

Although The Clit is undoubtedly the focal point of the vulva, you don’t have to directly stimulate it. Try rubbing the areas to the left and right of it (illustrated in green), which is where the clitoris lies hidden beneath skin. This is outside of the labia minora, or inner lips. Rub in upward/downward motions, using about the same amount of pressure you would if rubbing your eye.

Another hot spot is the clitoral hood, which is a fleshy protective casing that covers The Clit (illustrated in blue). Some women are too sensitive to have The Clit directly stimulated, but rubbing the hood MAY provide enough of a barrier to make it enjoyable. Start very very gently and gradually increase the pressure as she gets closer to orgasm. Generally a circular motion works well for this spot.

Check in with her frequently by asking if she likes what you’re doing. You can say, “Does that feel good? Do you want it harder? Is that spot sensitive?” and so forth. If she pushes her pelvis against your fingers, trying to increase the pressure, then you can press a little harder.

Tongue

The same spots apply whether using fingers or tongue, but tonguing technique is a little different. Start out by licking/kissing other parts – inner thighs, lower abdomen, etc. – and gradually make your way to The Clit. The build-up of anticipation will have her squirming with desire. Sometimes I like to blow air on The Clit before making contact. But no matter what you do, the ultimate goal is to stimulate the clitoris/The Clit to orgasm.

Many men make the mistake of thinking women want their vaginal opening stimulated with tongue, as if mimicking penile penetration. While some do enjoy this, from my experience the arousal gained from that action is more psychological than physical. A penis feels great, fingers are awesome, but a tongue is too short and soft to be really pleasurable. Focus your tongue on The Clit and leave the vagina for your fingers.

Actual technique with the tongue varies. Here are some suggestions that have proven popular:

  • Spell out the alphabet slowly, one letter at a time, with your tongue sweeping over The Clit
  • Sweep your tongue in circular motions and change direction every so often
  • Pull the clitoral hood into your mouth and suck on it and/or tongue it rapidly like a snake
  • Lick the entire vulva, from anus to The Clit, in one long, slow motion, then focus rapid motions on The Clit
  • As you tongue The Clit, insert fingers into the vagina and either mimick the movement a penis would make, going in and out, or rub the g-spot

General Tips

The best advice I can give is to try everything at least once with each new partner. Every woman is different, and not all women know what they like, particularly if they are inexperienced. ALWAYS START GENTLE, then build up from there. And remember that The Clit has twice as many nerve endings in a pea-sized area than the entire male penis.

Finally, here are some general observations that can take oral sex from mediocre to mindblowing:

  • Read her body language. Moaning, groaning, squirming, shaking, gripping onto things (sheets, your head, etc) are all good signs!
  • She may move around a lot when she’s getting close to orgasm – holding her in place takes physical strength, but it may be necessary, and can actually be arousing for her to be pinned down
  • When she’s getting close to orgasm, DO NOT LOSE CONTACT WITH THE CLIT. An orgasm requires two things: heat and pressure. If you take your tongue off The Clit you lose both, which sets her progress back a few steps and prolongs the process
  • Oral sex is a time commitment. Some can finish quickly, but some take a long time. Be ready to stick it out for the long haul. It will be worth it in the end!
  • If she says she’s climaxed and The Clit isn’t too sensitive to touch, then she probably didn’t actually orgasm

Porn vs Reality

Pornography is one of the most controversial issues when it comes to sex. Many feel the ease of access is too great, especially for younger folk, while others believe in freedom of expression.

I personally think porn is awesome, but like everything has its appropriate time and place. My biggest pet peeve lies with the myths it generates/perpetuates about sex and sexuality; those with less experience might internalize the values expressed in porn and translate them to real life. This is a dangerous mindset. Porn is for fantasy! While it may teach you the basic mechanics of sex, there is a lot to be critical about.

Penis size

The average male penis is 5.2 inches long when erect, according to a recent study by King’s College London. Between 4 inches and 6.3 inches covers 90% of men, according to Men’s Health. Yet most professional porn is performed by men with very above average size and girth.

Yes, ladies and gents, there are guys with big penises. They do exist. But they are the exception to the rule. Don’t expect every potential partner to be huge, and don’t dismiss a man for being average!

Body Size

Professional female porn stars are often petite and athletic with flat stomachs, perky breasts, and perfectly rounded bums. While these women do exist in reality, most women are not like this. We have cellulite, stretch marks, scars, problem areas in terms of fat storage, moles, and body hair. According to the CDC, the average woman weighs 166 lbs; that is well above many professional porn stars. 70% of women are overweight or obese. I’ll just leave it at that.

Similarly, most male porn stars are often muscled, tall, and relatively hairless. This is simply not a reasonable representation of a majority of men. Again, this type of man does exist, but he is the exception to the rule. While men don’t accumulate fat reserves quite the same way that women do, and typically in different places, there is still a lot of variety out there.

Watching athletic people with flawless skin have sex serves as a great basis for fantasy, but the reality is often very different. Don’t expect your partner to look like a porn star, because that is not a realistic demand. Every body is unique and beautiful in its own way! An overweight woman can still be great in bed, and a muscular man can still have a small penis. Try to look beyond the shell to the person underneath.

Female orgasms

Here’s something to consider: most women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration only! Yet you see this happening all the time in porn. My theory is that men want to think their penis is so impressive and big that that’s all a woman needs to climax. Sorry guys, it doesn’t work that way. While a bigger penis feels great, penetration alone does not usually stimulate the clitoris (which has 8000 nerve endings on one little button). In fact, 90% of vaginal nerve endings lie in the first 1/3 of the vagina.

Some women find it extremely difficult to orgasm. Some women rarely orgasm. Some women don’t know what an orgasm feels like because they’ve never had one. It is much more complex for women than it is for most men.

I think I might write an entire post on female orgasms. There’s so much more to say on that topic. Suffice to say, most women in porn are faking it. Keep in mind, they are paid to fake it well.

Consent

Most women don’t invite the TV repairman inside while wearing sheer lingerie. Nor do most women like being touched by strangers on a bus, or inappropriate contact from their doctor. If a stranger walked up to me in a bar and kissed me, he would likely earn a knee to the groin for his trouble. Real life is NOT reflective of scenarios in porn.

In reality, you need clear, informed consent. Consent is necessary. Consent is sexy. If a stranger in a bar asked if he could kiss me, I’d be inclined to give it some serious thought rather than kicking his balls.

Furthermore, acceptance of non-consent is also crucial. Let me put it this way: would a heterosexual man enjoy attention from a pushy, boundary-ignoring homosexual man? Probably not. It’s the same way women feel about attention from men – NO MEANS NO. End of story. If a woman says no, you need to accept that and walk away. Trying to convince her is unacceptable behaviour.

Vaginas and labia

I hear this all the time – “Her lips are so loose, she must get fucked a lot.”

That’s not how it works. Long labia, aka “loose skin,” is not caused by sex. It is genetic and unaffected by external factors. See this post about vaginas to learn more.

Timing

Most porn is designed with a male audience in mind, so it reflects what men want to see. Often porn focuses very heavily on male pleasure – extended scenes with blowjobs and penetration with very little attention paid to the woman’s needs. This is in stark contrast to reality where women usually need a lot more attention than men to achieve orgasm. As a man, if you are focusing on what you want rather than pleasing your partner, you’re doing it wrong.

Furthermore, the amount of time spent on any activity may not reflect real life either. The reality is that giving a blowjob can hurt the jaw after a while, and vaginal penetration causes chafing when done for extended periods of time. One round of sex usually doesn’t take hours. A study published by Dr. Brendan Zietsch indicates that of 500 couples studied, sex lasted anywhere from 33 seconds to 44 minutes, not including foreplay, with an average of 5.4 minutes. That is significantly shorter than most porn films, which is absolutely okay.

FAQ: The Vagina

The vagina. Pussy. Twat. Cunt. Kitty. Snatch. Box. Fuckhole. Flower. Bearded clam.

It’s an enigma wrapped in a paradox underneath a blanket of questions. So I went on Whisper and said I would answer any questions about the vagina. Here are the most commonly asked questions and my respective answers:

What’s the difference between squirt and cum?

This requires some basic anatomy to properly address. First, women’s genitals have three main holes. YES! THREE! There’s the anus, the vagina, and the urethra. The urethral opening is usually very small and unnoticeable, and it located between the clitoris and the vaginal opening.

Second, this question is tougher to answer because of the language. Some men think squirting is cumming, others think cum is the thicker fluid that comes out during sex. I tend to go with the latter – squirting is separate from cum.

Cum is the thicker, almost gooey whitish stuff that comes with sex. The vagina produces this both as a lubricant for penetration and as a catalyst to help sperm survive the trip to the uterus. The consistency will vary depending on the woman’s menstrual cycle; the fluid tends to be thickest just before ovulation, and thinnest before and after bleeding. The amount a woman produces will vary depending on the individual.

There is a great deal of debate about what squirt is, and where it comes from. The only thing known with absolute certainty is that it’s released from the urethral region, NOT the vagina, and is a very thin liquid. All squirt has at least a trace of urine in it. The most common belief is that Skene’s glands are what create and store this liquid, and when these glands are stimulated they abruptly push the liquid out through tiny exits near the urethra.

0216whnp_otcdyspareunia-figure

So… to summarize…

Vaginal cum = thicker, sometimes white, comes from vagina

Squirt = thinner, mostly clear, comes from urethral region

What is bottoming out? Why does it happen?

This occurs when a penis is longer than the vagina; during sex, the penis pushes on the cervix, often painfully.

Each woman has a different size and shape to their vagina – just like a finger print or snowflake, no two vaginas are exactly alike. Some can take longer penises than others. Much like a penis, a vagina actually enlarges and expands when it’s aroused, making it able to encompass more of the penis. According to WebMD and Maxim, an aroused vagina averages at 4.5 inches in depth. Keep in mind that number is an AVERAGE; some will be deeper, some shallower.

But there is also the cervix to consider. The cervix acts as a barrier between the vagina and the uterus, and is somewhat elastic. It can stretch to a certain point before becoming painful. As a woman who has been told by multiple doctors I have a deep vagina, I can take about 8 inches before it gets uncomfortable.

Does larger labia mean she’s had more sex than others?

NO!!!

Like vaginas, finger prints, and snowflakes, each women’s labia is unique and dictated by genetics. Larger labia does not mean she’s “loose,” nor will having many sexual partners loosen the skin of the labia. This is a complete myth.

Can women squeeze the vagina to make it tighter?

Yes. The pelvic floor muscles are a large group that connects the vagina, anus, and bladder. Like any other muscles, they can benefit from strengthening exercises to help with incontinence or to make sex more pleasurable. Here is a guide from the Mayo Clinic about doing Kegel Exercises.

What are the most sensitive spots?

There isn’t one universal answer for this, because each woman is unique. The vulva as a whole is more sensitive than most other body parts, though there are a few areas that should be focused on. The clit and the g-spot are two absolutely crucial must-stimulate areas – she’s probably going to have a bad time if you don’t at least give the clit some attention. Some women have sensitive labia, others don’t. Some find touching the g-spot painful, while others need a lot of pressure.

A good rule is to start gentle and gradually increase pressure with increased arousal, and lubricate everything you touch down there! Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you go along: “Is this okay? Does this feel good? Do you want it harder? How do you like it?”

Why do vaginas smell?

Random fact: the vagina is actually a smorgasbord of bacteria. It’s a delicate balance of helpful bacteria, like the kind found in pro-biotic yogurt, and dangerous intrusive bacteria. Natural lubrication from the vagina helps keep it clean and flush out the bad bacteria. This fluid has a naturally mild odour/taste that is unique to each woman and may change a little throughout her monthly cycle.

Sometimes the bad bacteria can take over and cause infections, which can cause a whole host of unpleasant symptoms, including a strong, foul smell. These infections can be easily addressed by a doctor with either antibiotics or yeast treatment, depending on the problem.

If your partner’s vagina is unpleasant smelling or tasting, gently bring it up to her and suggest she see her doctor. This is tricky because most of us are very self-conscious about our lady bits, thanks to porn and popular culture, so be tactful, respectful and supportive.

Why do women get moody? An FAQ of PMS

We all suffered through the embarrassment and indignity of taking sex ed in school, whether at an elementary or secondary level. I remember health classes focusing more on anatomy and the science of reproduction, and less on the social context of this subject. Being a woman, I obviously can’t speak to the male experience, but I can tell you what it’s like to live with a body that changes on a regular cycle – and provide advice to prepare others for dealing with it.

First, some background. PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. It occurs as a result of both the hormones progesterone and estrogen dropping dramatically at the same time (see this post to learn about why this happens). It occurs at the end of every menstrual cycle leading up to the time of bleeding. I’ll say it louder for the folks in the back: PMS occurs just before the period begins. It is NOT THE SAME as having a period.

I hate it when people don’t understand that distinction.

Basically, PMS is any symptoms felt as a result of hormonal changes. It can be physical, emotional, or even imaginary. If it’s happening because of hormones, it’s PMS.

Imagine being sleep deprived for a few days, getting only 2-3 hours’ sleep per night. By the third day, you’re going to be moody, sensitive, cranky, hungry, exhausted… sound familiar? Now imagine feeling sleep deprived for a week every month, and having to put on a brave face in public when all you want to do is sleep. That’s the closest analogy I can imagine to describe the hell of PMS.

It feels like there’s a rain cloud following you at all times, ready to erupt and soak you with its tears. Sometimes it seems like your brain totally transforms itself.

I call it PMS brain. It’s similar to a normal brain, but has a lot less tolerance for upsetting triggers. This affects primarily anger, sadness, and libido (unfortunately, positive emotions like happiness and euphoria are conveniently unaffected). If something only slightly irks me normally, during PMS it will upset me more. Things I would normally dismiss as not worth getting upset over will be much harder to push aside. That self-deprecating voice in my head, which reminds me of all my insecurities, suddenly becomes louder and more difficult to ignore.

It doesn’t mean I’ll sit here weeping for no good reason. It means seeing an upsetting video will induce crying rather than a fleeting moment of sadness. It also means when I get turned on, the sensation is much more heightened (women often report increased sex drive at this time). It also means I can go from weepy to horny to angry without much transition time. Our emotions are felt more intensely, thus they come and go more quickly. But the emotional rollercoaster is NOT constant – it has triggers.

For those of us who understand the symptoms of PMS, we try our best to control our behaviour. I use alone time during PMS as a way to purge my negative emotions (ie: watching a sad movie knowing I’ll end up crying, because the act of crying can be emotionally cleansing for me). I will try my best to avoid known triggers, I let people closest to me know I’m PMS’ing so they can be more sensitive, and I stock up on comfort foods.

Yes, one of the ways to calm the PMS brain is to saturate it with my favourite foods. I have a major sweet tooth, so chocolate and cookies are my friends. Sometimes I get a craving for pizza or chips, but most often a tall glass of chocolate milk is the most soothing balm to my overly-emotional PMS brain.

The physical symptoms of PMS are numerous and can vary a lot for each woman. Even identical twins can have different PMS experiences. PMS, much like menstruation, can be affected by environment, stress, diet, sickness, and many other factors. Even the length of time it occurs and severity can vary between women and may be different each month. Generally, most women have a grab bag of symptoms that they typically get, some they rarely get, and others that never happen.

For instance, I usually get emotional upheaval, migraines, fatigue, bladder pain, food cravings, and anxiety. Rarely do I get tender breasts and a sore back. Other women may get some, all, or none of these symptoms. I have one friend who never has any symptoms whatsoever and I’m ridiculously jealous of her. My PMS week is so awful that I find myself relieved when menstruation begins, because it signals the end of my suffering for the month.

Unfortunately because symptoms, severity and length vary so much, there isn’t one universal way of handling a woman going through PMS. Each woman will be different and will have their own ways of dealing with this difficult time.

The best thing you can do is be mindful of her suffering by reducing her triggers (where possible) and providing unconditional support in the form of comfort food and a shoulder to cry on. Just listen to her vent her frustrations, without judgement or argument. Sympathize with her, ask her what she needs, and be extra sensitive to her emotions. And remember – we don’t have a choice about PMS, but you can choose how you react to us.