How to Find a Sexual Partner

Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to fuck. If you’re single and looking for casual fun, where do you turn? How do you get it? What’s the first step?

For women, it’s as simple as broadcasting your interest in casual fun. Men will come knocking at your door in masses, day and night, to get a piece of the action. Women can afford to be a lot pickier – and we often are – simply because we have that luxury.

Unfortunately men have the opposite problem; they have to push their way to the front of the crowd of horny, tactless boys. It’s highly competitive and often ends with rejection, for one reason or another. Here I will try to illustrate some concepts that MAY help a man get through the mental screening process.

*Side note: this is strictly from MY point of view. Every woman is different, and specific tactics will work on some but not others.

 

The Basics

Women are human beings. We have thoughts, feelings, desires, and pet peeves. TALK to us like normal people. Very rarely are casual encounters entirely about sex only – there’s usually some amount of communication or hanging out involved, even if you never see them again afterward. We want to hook up with someone we can enjoy from the start of an encounter to its conclusion. We also need to feel some basic level of safety in the situation (ie: trust that you aren’t violent predators, or potential needle-sharers).

We also want to make sure you’re not a selfish prick. Yes we know a casual hookup is a short term scenario, possibly even just one night, but we want to feel confident that you are interested in doing the job properly. Sex is usually straightforward for men – that’s often not the case for us. If we are going to let you in, we want to believe you’ll make it worth our while. *Side note: those who genuinely enjoy pleasing women, as opposed to those who do it from obligation, score more points in my book.

I encourage you to think about “picking up” like a job interview. Be polite, answer her questions thoroughly, build a rapport, and PROVE your worthiness for the position. Telling an interviewer you can do XYZ is essentially meaningless – explain WHY you want this position, and how you will excel at it. Why should she choose you for the job over all the other applicants? What makes you stand out from the rest?

Here are some of the criteria I look for in a casual encounter:

  • Communication – Will he be a fun person to talk to, before and after the physical stuff? Do we have anything in common to talk about?
  • Skill – How much experience does he have? Will I be forced to teach him what to do, or does he know enough? (either way is fine, I just like to know ahead of time so I’m not surprised)
  • Attraction – Is he actually attracted to ME, or just looking for anything with a vagina?
  • Needs – Does he seem like the type to do a good job? Will he thoroughly take care of MY needs as well as his own? Does he genuinely enjoy giving pleasure?
  • Safety – Will I be safe alone with him? Is he likely to have any STDs? Are we on the same page about protection and birth control?

The real trick is HOW you communicate this information without sounding creepy. In a job interview, you don’t just walk in and announce this information all at once. There is a game of give-and-take, a delicate exchange that happens over a period of time. This is a practiced skill that takes time to learn. You have to figure out how to read people, which is sometimes hard to do when you’re talking online.

Here are some signs that she probably isn’t into you:

  • One word or very short responses
  • Ambiguous answers that don’t really convey any information
  • Taking a long time to respond to each message
  • Avoiding setting up a time/place to meet
  • Talking in vague terms or in the third person

If you’re not getting a positive vibe, then let it go. From a woman’s perspective, we won’t spend a lot of time on someone we’ve mentally labeled “unworthy,” and it’s nearly impossible to change that label once she’s made up her mind. Someone can be designated as “unworthy” for any dozens of reasons, so don’t take it personally. We all have mental criteria which not everybody fulfills. It is what it is.

I’ve heard men complain about women who play games, or mislead guys for selfish purposes. Yes, that happens, more than it should, but often it comes from a specific type of experience: men can be cruel and sometimes violent when they’re rejected. It’s happened at least once to most women when it should never happen at all. I firmly believe that once ALL men handle rejection with respect and dignity, MORE women will be straightforward about our intentions. Generally speaking, of course – there are flakes in any gender.

Worst Ideas Ever – things that are guaranteed not to work

  • Unsolicited dick pics: it doesn’t matter how big or thick your penis is, if I haven’t given permission for you to send me a pic, then I will block you.
  • Aggressive behaviour: If I say NO, I mean NO. Trying to convince me to change my mind will result in an angry tirade at best, and getting your photo blasted online at worst.
  • Opening with sexual lines: If you mention sex in the first ten minutes (or approximately 10 messages), you will be rejected.
  • Asking for sexual favours: No matter how it’s worded, asking me to perform sexual acts or saying you want me to do something will be met with the block button.
  • Getting too personal: Asking for detailed information about my sexual history/exploits too early in the conversation will not go over well.

In summary:

  • TALK TO HER like a normal human being – ask her questions about herself, her hobbies & interests, and try to build a conversation based on something you have in common
  • Compliments go a long way, so long as they’re genuine. But too many compliments are creepy!
  • Show that you remember something she said earlier in the conversation – it proves you’re interested enough to pay attention to her words
  • I like lists

 

I will make another post featuring actual conversations I’ve had online, with descriptions of what’s good and what isn’t.

 

Happy playing! J

One Man’s Perspective on Consent

This article is amazing! This man tells a good truth that “women love sex even more than men, but they only love sex under the right conditions. Much like a garden won’t grow without the right soil, water and care, women won’t express themselves sexually unless they feel safe, and we as men have the brilliant opportunity to create that, and when we don’t we’re simply shooting ourselves in the foot.”

Read the article here: http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/i-promise-its-not-lame-to-ask-a-woman-for-permission/

Porn vs Reality

Pornography is one of the most controversial issues when it comes to sex. Many feel the ease of access is too great, especially for younger folk, while others believe in freedom of expression.

I personally think porn is awesome, but like everything has its appropriate time and place. My biggest pet peeve lies with the myths it generates/perpetuates about sex and sexuality; those with less experience might internalize the values expressed in porn and translate them to real life. This is a dangerous mindset. Porn is for fantasy! While it may teach you the basic mechanics of sex, there is a lot to be critical about.

Penis size

The average male penis is 5.2 inches long when erect, according to a recent study by King’s College London. Between 4 inches and 6.3 inches covers 90% of men, according to Men’s Health. Yet most professional porn is performed by men with very above average size and girth.

Yes, ladies and gents, there are guys with big penises. They do exist. But they are the exception to the rule. Don’t expect every potential partner to be huge, and don’t dismiss a man for being average!

Body Size

Professional female porn stars are often petite and athletic with flat stomachs, perky breasts, and perfectly rounded bums. While these women do exist in reality, most women are not like this. We have cellulite, stretch marks, scars, problem areas in terms of fat storage, moles, and body hair. According to the CDC, the average woman weighs 166 lbs; that is well above many professional porn stars. 70% of women are overweight or obese. I’ll just leave it at that.

Similarly, most male porn stars are often muscled, tall, and relatively hairless. This is simply not a reasonable representation of a majority of men. Again, this type of man does exist, but he is the exception to the rule. While men don’t accumulate fat reserves quite the same way that women do, and typically in different places, there is still a lot of variety out there.

Watching athletic people with flawless skin have sex serves as a great basis for fantasy, but the reality is often very different. Don’t expect your partner to look like a porn star, because that is not a realistic demand. Every body is unique and beautiful in its own way! An overweight woman can still be great in bed, and a muscular man can still have a small penis. Try to look beyond the shell to the person underneath.

Female orgasms

Here’s something to consider: most women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration only! Yet you see this happening all the time in porn. My theory is that men want to think their penis is so impressive and big that that’s all a woman needs to climax. Sorry guys, it doesn’t work that way. While a bigger penis feels great, penetration alone does not usually stimulate the clitoris (which has 8000 nerve endings on one little button). In fact, 90% of vaginal nerve endings lie in the first 1/3 of the vagina.

Some women find it extremely difficult to orgasm. Some women rarely orgasm. Some women don’t know what an orgasm feels like because they’ve never had one. It is much more complex for women than it is for most men.

I think I might write an entire post on female orgasms. There’s so much more to say on that topic. Suffice to say, most women in porn are faking it. Keep in mind, they are paid to fake it well.

Consent

Most women don’t invite the TV repairman inside while wearing sheer lingerie. Nor do most women like being touched by strangers on a bus, or inappropriate contact from their doctor. If a stranger walked up to me in a bar and kissed me, he would likely earn a knee to the groin for his trouble. Real life is NOT reflective of scenarios in porn.

In reality, you need clear, informed consent. Consent is necessary. Consent is sexy. If a stranger in a bar asked if he could kiss me, I’d be inclined to give it some serious thought rather than kicking his balls.

Furthermore, acceptance of non-consent is also crucial. Let me put it this way: would a heterosexual man enjoy attention from a pushy, boundary-ignoring homosexual man? Probably not. It’s the same way women feel about attention from men – NO MEANS NO. End of story. If a woman says no, you need to accept that and walk away. Trying to convince her is unacceptable behaviour.

Vaginas and labia

I hear this all the time – “Her lips are so loose, she must get fucked a lot.”

That’s not how it works. Long labia, aka “loose skin,” is not caused by sex. It is genetic and unaffected by external factors. See this post about vaginas to learn more.

Timing

Most porn is designed with a male audience in mind, so it reflects what men want to see. Often porn focuses very heavily on male pleasure – extended scenes with blowjobs and penetration with very little attention paid to the woman’s needs. This is in stark contrast to reality where women usually need a lot more attention than men to achieve orgasm. As a man, if you are focusing on what you want rather than pleasing your partner, you’re doing it wrong.

Furthermore, the amount of time spent on any activity may not reflect real life either. The reality is that giving a blowjob can hurt the jaw after a while, and vaginal penetration causes chafing when done for extended periods of time. One round of sex usually doesn’t take hours. A study published by Dr. Brendan Zietsch indicates that of 500 couples studied, sex lasted anywhere from 33 seconds to 44 minutes, not including foreplay, with an average of 5.4 minutes. That is significantly shorter than most porn films, which is absolutely okay.

BDSM for Noobs

 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. It’s a blanket term which includes a very long list of traditionally unconventional forms of sensuality. Though it is most often practiced in a sexual context – as a form of sex – it is not necessarily sexual in itself. Simply put: BDSM does not always include sex!

Continue reading “BDSM for Noobs”

Sex: An Event Perspective

In my experience, there are generally four stages to sex: enticement, foreplay, intercourse, and cool down. These are very broad categories which encompass a lot of different things, and often are very different for each person. Also, you might go back and forth between these activities throughout the encounter. But for the majority of sex, this is the overall pattern that occurs.

To illustrate what happens, I’m going to use the example of Alex (male) and Libby (female). They met on a dating website for casual hookups and decided to meet up at a coffee shop, and possibly more if things go well.

Enticement

Alex and Libby meet and chat for a bit; they are attracted to each other. Their conversation becomes increasingly flirtatious. Alex might test Libby by lightly touching her arm to gauge her reaction, while Libby smiles a lot and plays with her hair. They both get aroused at the idea of a wild night together as they talk and flirt. Finally Libby musters enough courage to suggest going back to her apartment, and with clear consent from Alex they head out. Once they arrive at Libby’s place, they sit on her couch and have a drink together to relax and get comfortable with each other.

Foreplay

Libby leans in and kisses Alex, initiating foreplay. This includes making out, removing clothes, touching each other, oral sex, fingering, toe sucking, handjob, etc.

Intercourse

Alex becomes so aroused that he decides to progress to the next step. He asks Libby if he can fuck her. She gives clear consent, so he puts on a condom and slowly puts his penis into her vagina, ensuring he is not hurting her and that she’s lubricated well. He may also put his penis into her anus, if that has been discussed and pre-approved and again she gives clear consent to do so. They switch positions every few minutes to distribute the workload; when Alex’s legs get sore, he lies down so Libby can take charge by being on top, and when Libby slows down she gets on her knees so Alex can penetrate her in doggy style. After a while, Alex may decide that Libby isn’t wet enough so he may switch back to foreplay by giving her oral sex. Or maybe when they switch positions, Libby surprises Alex by giving him oral sex. Perhaps one or both of them cannot orgasm from penetration and must revert back to foreplay to finish. Ideally when both parties are fully satisfied, the sex is finished.

Cool Down

Cooling down can include clean-up, a drink of water, exchanging phone numbers, discussing the good/bad parts of sex, or just lying there comatose while staring at the ceiling. It’s whatever happens after sex, whether it lasts for 5 minutes until Alex quickly leaves, if it’s just a break before round two, or if both Alex and Libby fall asleep entangled in each other’s arms.

Keep in mind this is just one example. The events would likely be different if Alex and Libby were dating, or if they were having sex in public, or if there were other people involved (like in group sex). The process is generally the same with those four stages, but the way they play out can vary a lot.