Teachable Moment #1

Let me set the scene:

A guy I met on Whisper a couple of months ago seemed nice. He was friendly, seemed caring, and I found him attractive. I was about to suggest a meeting when he started talking about wanting to “get his dick wet.” I realized he was only nice to try to sleep with me, so I ended the conversation promptly and politely. I had no desire to be used like that especially when his intentions weren’t clear from the beginning.

This morning, he messaged me again. Here’s what happened (His words are in blue and mine are pink. The red writing is my commentary on the conversation):

asstalk

This is an abridged version of the conversation. I cut out the stuff that didn’t really pertain to the topic.

I’m posting this so women can understand what red flags to look for when talking to men online, and for men to understand what a woman is thinking when they act like assholes.

I hope someone, somewhere learns a lesson from this otherwise giant waste of time.

How to Find a Sexual Partner

Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to fuck. If you’re single and looking for casual fun, where do you turn? How do you get it? What’s the first step?

For women, it’s as simple as broadcasting your interest in casual fun. Men will come knocking at your door in masses, day and night, to get a piece of the action. Women can afford to be a lot pickier – and we often are – simply because we have that luxury.

Unfortunately men have the opposite problem; they have to push their way to the front of the crowd of horny, tactless boys. It’s highly competitive and often ends with rejection, for one reason or another. Here I will try to illustrate some concepts that MAY help a man get through the mental screening process.

*Side note: this is strictly from MY point of view. Every woman is different, and specific tactics will work on some but not others.

 

The Basics

Women are human beings. We have thoughts, feelings, desires, and pet peeves. TALK to us like normal people. Very rarely are casual encounters entirely about sex only – there’s usually some amount of communication or hanging out involved, even if you never see them again afterward. We want to hook up with someone we can enjoy from the start of an encounter to its conclusion. We also need to feel some basic level of safety in the situation (ie: trust that you aren’t violent predators, or potential needle-sharers).

We also want to make sure you’re not a selfish prick. Yes we know a casual hookup is a short term scenario, possibly even just one night, but we want to feel confident that you are interested in doing the job properly. Sex is usually straightforward for men – that’s often not the case for us. If we are going to let you in, we want to believe you’ll make it worth our while. *Side note: those who genuinely enjoy pleasing women, as opposed to those who do it from obligation, score more points in my book.

I encourage you to think about “picking up” like a job interview. Be polite, answer her questions thoroughly, build a rapport, and PROVE your worthiness for the position. Telling an interviewer you can do XYZ is essentially meaningless – explain WHY you want this position, and how you will excel at it. Why should she choose you for the job over all the other applicants? What makes you stand out from the rest?

Here are some of the criteria I look for in a casual encounter:

  • Communication – Will he be a fun person to talk to, before and after the physical stuff? Do we have anything in common to talk about?
  • Skill – How much experience does he have? Will I be forced to teach him what to do, or does he know enough? (either way is fine, I just like to know ahead of time so I’m not surprised)
  • Attraction – Is he actually attracted to ME, or just looking for anything with a vagina?
  • Needs – Does he seem like the type to do a good job? Will he thoroughly take care of MY needs as well as his own? Does he genuinely enjoy giving pleasure?
  • Safety – Will I be safe alone with him? Is he likely to have any STDs? Are we on the same page about protection and birth control?

The real trick is HOW you communicate this information without sounding creepy. In a job interview, you don’t just walk in and announce this information all at once. There is a game of give-and-take, a delicate exchange that happens over a period of time. This is a practiced skill that takes time to learn. You have to figure out how to read people, which is sometimes hard to do when you’re talking online.

Here are some signs that she probably isn’t into you:

  • One word or very short responses
  • Ambiguous answers that don’t really convey any information
  • Taking a long time to respond to each message
  • Avoiding setting up a time/place to meet
  • Talking in vague terms or in the third person

If you’re not getting a positive vibe, then let it go. From a woman’s perspective, we won’t spend a lot of time on someone we’ve mentally labeled “unworthy,” and it’s nearly impossible to change that label once she’s made up her mind. Someone can be designated as “unworthy” for any dozens of reasons, so don’t take it personally. We all have mental criteria which not everybody fulfills. It is what it is.

I’ve heard men complain about women who play games, or mislead guys for selfish purposes. Yes, that happens, more than it should, but often it comes from a specific type of experience: men can be cruel and sometimes violent when they’re rejected. It’s happened at least once to most women when it should never happen at all. I firmly believe that once ALL men handle rejection with respect and dignity, MORE women will be straightforward about our intentions. Generally speaking, of course – there are flakes in any gender.

Worst Ideas Ever – things that are guaranteed not to work

  • Unsolicited dick pics: it doesn’t matter how big or thick your penis is, if I haven’t given permission for you to send me a pic, then I will block you.
  • Aggressive behaviour: If I say NO, I mean NO. Trying to convince me to change my mind will result in an angry tirade at best, and getting your photo blasted online at worst.
  • Opening with sexual lines: If you mention sex in the first ten minutes (or approximately 10 messages), you will be rejected.
  • Asking for sexual favours: No matter how it’s worded, asking me to perform sexual acts or saying you want me to do something will be met with the block button.
  • Getting too personal: Asking for detailed information about my sexual history/exploits too early in the conversation will not go over well.

In summary:

  • TALK TO HER like a normal human being – ask her questions about herself, her hobbies & interests, and try to build a conversation based on something you have in common
  • Compliments go a long way, so long as they’re genuine. But too many compliments are creepy!
  • Show that you remember something she said earlier in the conversation – it proves you’re interested enough to pay attention to her words
  • I like lists

 

I will make another post featuring actual conversations I’ve had online, with descriptions of what’s good and what isn’t.

 

Happy playing! J

Dating Site/App Reviews

Quick note: this post is targeted toward women.

POF

Plenty of Fish is actually pretty decent. It has a lot of filtering options and advanced search criteria. There seems to be a good representation of age, ethnicity, and locations. I’ve noticed there’s a larger percentage of working class (vs. white collar) people on there, probably because it’s a free site. I have had some unpleasant encounters but I’ve also met some quality people from there. I’ve noticed not many men actually put effort into writing a decent profile. All the same it’s definitely worth trying.

OKcupid

I love that you can instantly see the percentage you match with someone, which is generated by answering questions they provide. It helps to see how compatible you could be with someone before you even message them. The downside is that if you view someone’s profile, they get notified about it, so men tend to be pushier about getting a response. There seems to be a higher than normal amount of couples looking for a third to join them, and people in openly polyamorous relationships. I hate that about 90% of the messages I receive are from men in Africa and the Middle East, despite my profile saying locals only (I guess people on OKcupid don’t read). I’ve only met one person from that site and it was okay; not great but not terrible.

Happn

I had this app installed on my phone for about two days and then deleted it. My only match was with a horribly misogynistic guy who was super rude. It kind of turned me off the whole thing.

Whisper

I was shocked to discover that even the most innocent post will result in dozens, if not hundreds, of replies. Most of these come in the form of hormonal teenagers looking to get laid – and they are very aggressive about it. One respondent told me he’s hooked up with 15 different girls through Whisper, which completely blew my mind. It’s not meant to be a dating app but apparently it’s used that way. As an experiment, I whispered one word: sex. It had a photo of bright red lips. Within 1 minute, I had 6 private messages. By 5 minutes, I had 12. At the 10 minute mark I was up to 16.

Reddit

Although not traditionally used for dating, the r4r subreddit is where people post personal ads looking for anything from pen pals to casual hookups. I’ve posted a couple of times and have had some luck with responses. I’ve discovered that the best policy is to keep it short, preferably in list form, and blunt. Most men seem to have a “can’t hurt to try” mentality when they don’t fit my criteria which I find highly irritating – don’t respond if you’re not what I’m looking for!!! But once you wade through all those junk messages, there’s usually at least one or two gems worth getting to know.

Tinder

I think I may have had half a dozen conversations out of my hundreds of matches. Tinder seems to be more of a self-esteem booster than anything else and most people on there only want a quick hookup. The good thing is you don’t have to feel guilty about rejecting someone since only those you like can message you. The down side is people tend to be flaky and unresponsive, or they lose interest quickly and the conversation dwindles.

Re-Post: Zen and the Art of Online Dating

Like many people in my generation, I met my husband through online dating. However, unlike many of my friends, I preferred online dating to meeting dates in person. The men I met online were carefully selected and vetted, unlike the ones I met in bars or at parties. I felt like I worked out the […]

via Love Notes: Zen and the Art of Online Dating — the syntax of things

Re-Post: The Tinder Experiment

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for almost five years now and because of this both my boyfriend and I have missed out the whole Tinder thing. For entertainment (and blog content!) we decided to put on a little experiment. We would both make Tinder accounts and see what happened. I was excited but a little apprehensive. What if he met some beautiful lady on Tinder and left me? As it turns out I did not need to worry. Here is what happened.

via The Tinder Experiment — Effie Is Bored

Online Dating Tips

Online dating has become so popular these days, just about everyone has tried it at some point or other. It has pros and cons, bad stories and good, and each experience is different for everyone.

Many of these sites are what I call a “woman’s market” because most conversations are initiated by men trying to catch the attention of women. As a woman, I can sit back and wait for my inbox to get flooded with messages from all types of men. Having been active on several different sites, I can tell you there are a few things that will either inspire me to reply or convince me I should ignore someone. Here are some tips for men who are inexperienced with online dating, in no particular order.

  • DO have a clear face photo – I won’t reply if I don’t know who I’m talking to
  • DO be clear about what you’re looking for (relationship, casual sex, friendship, etc)
  • DO be honest about your intentions! If you don’t think she’s a good fit after exchanging a few messages, then say so
  • DO use proper grammar/spelling/punctuation because it makes a good impression
  • DO send personalized messages showing you’ve read her profile and share some similar interests
  • DO say something about yourself more compelling than “I like to travel and spend time with friends”
  • DO compliment her and be specific – I’m personally very tired of reading, “nice eyes”
  • DO say what you mean, and mean what you say
  • DON’T insult or berate her if she rejects you – it’s completely her choice and you have to respect that
  • DON’T get into politics or religion right away
  • DON’T message her with “hey” or “what’s up” and expect her to reply
  • DON’T start a conversation with sexual advances, even if that’s your end game
  • DON’T lie about anything!
  • DON’T expect many replies – women are constantly bombarded by messages and often don’t write back if they’re not interestedA Male Perspective

    The above points are all absolutely vital when it comes to online dating – but there are a few more to bear in mind as a man seeking a woman on an online dating site.

    First of all, remember that quality trumps quantity when it comes to messages.  It is better to write one thoughtful, well-considered message a day than to write 100 messages saying, “Hey there.”  Of course, the ability to write a quality message depends largely on the woman’s profile.  Some women will eschew filling out an “about me” section of a profile.  One of the most annoying things a man can encounter when looking at a woman’s profile is that, instead of listing her interests or saying something unique about herself, she tells you to “just ask.”  As if she will be responding to any stupid question any man happens to lob at her.  If you’re a handsome hunk who relies on looks alone to attract women, perhaps you can get away with this.  But if you’re not an Adonis, it’s better to search for profiles that provide actual information about the woman you’re contacting, her likes and dislikes, etc.  With the “just ask” format, you have no common point for starting a conversation.  On the other hand, a profile that makes it clear that a woman likes hockey, for example, will give you a good reference point and an ice-breaker.  If you’re into hockey yourself, you can answer her with questions about favourite teams, playoff odds, etc.  Take the time to find profiles that have obviously had effort put into them.  Personalize your response as best you can.  Remember:  you need to stand out from the other hundred messages any woman is likely to receive on a daily basis.  Don’t be afraid to try different approaches for different women.  The best profiles out there are ones that give you a very clear idea of who the woman is and what she’s looking for, as well as offering clues to her personality.  Say, for example, the woman says she’s interested in poetry – in that case, if you feel up to it, you could try to formulate your response as a poem.  If her profile is witty, try to be witty in your response.  However, remember that you should not try to be something you’re not in order to impress a particular woman.  If she loves sports and you don’t, don’t pretend.  Honesty is greatly appreciated in responses, and a little bit of honesty can go a long way.

    If you can, you should adopt an attitude of never expecting a reply to any given message.  Take the time to artfully craft your response, but don’t feel that you’re entitled to an answer because you took the time.  “Expect the worst, then you can only be pleasantly surprised” – this age old adage holds true in the era of online dating.  Don’t get discouraged if you don’t receive a reply – every woman is different, and while one might ignore an artfully crafted response, the next might respond to one.  Try to show what is unique about you in your response.  Every time you craft an artful reply, you become more skilled at doing so – thus, even unanswered messages are not a waste of time.  If a woman doesn’t respond, do not berate her with additional messages.  Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.  The art of attracting women’s attention through individualized messages takes time to perfect, and one can’t expect to succeed without failing a few times.  Keep your chin up – remember, it’s possible that one of these women could be the “one” for you, and if you see the potential in her profile, but don’t message because you feel discouraged, you will never know what you might have missed out on.

    Lastly, but by no means least – you MUST be respectful of women.  Misogyny is dying a slow, well-deserved death.  Do not think with your penis – lying to get laid is a dirty, dirty trick, and in the end, the truth will come out.  As mentioned above, be honest about your intentions.  The worst that can happen is that you will be refused.  But lying for sex only reinforces the idea that men are generally horndog scumbags.  Don’t be part of the problem – be part of the solution, by showing respect, treating women as you would like to be treated, and not trying to set yourself above them.