Levels of Sexual Intensity

A friend recently asked me some complex questions about sex that required me to think about sexual activities in a different way. He asked me about the end goal of certain activities and what steps one might take to get there.

For instance, what is total domination? How do you start? What steps happen in between the beginning and the end?

Continue reading “Levels of Sexual Intensity”

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The Female Orgasm

For the most part, men have a much easier time achieving orgasm. This is largely because their sex organs are on the outside and are easily accessed. Of course, there are some men who have a difficult time reaching climax, for various reasons, but in my experience most men have an easier time of it than women.

I’ve previously discussed the fundamentals of menstruation and the anatomy of the vulva, but to truly delve into orgasms, more anatomy info is needed. I’ll try to make it as simple as possible.

anatomy_of_the_clitoris1

As you can see, what most people call “The Clit” is just the small nub that is visible in the vulva, while a vast majority of this organ is actually internal.

The clitoris is a lot like a penis – when a woman is aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and becomes engorged. This makes it much more sensitive. At the same time, the vagina expands and lubricates to prepare for penetration and eventual fertilization. It’s a lot of internal shifting that happens.

What this means is that anyone who knows how to stimulate the clitoris, not just The Clit, will have an easier time getting a woman to orgasm.

As I wrote in a post about blowjobs, I will reiterate here: the best oral sex is about starting slowly and building the pace. Chasing an orgasm feels the best when you treat it like a symphony, a crescendo of intensity that builds to a grand finale. Or on a smaller scale, think of it like “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen – it starts slow and simple, gradually adds elements, and shifts to other things before a truly explosive ending. That’s how a good orgasm happens.

So, on to technique. That’s the biggest hurdle. I can talk all day about stimulation and arousal but if you don’t know how to do it, this conversation is pointless.

There are two basic methods: fingers and tongue. I will refer to the following image for reference:

fo1

Fingers

Although The Clit is undoubtedly the focal point of the vulva, you don’t have to directly stimulate it. Try rubbing the areas to the left and right of it (illustrated in green), which is where the clitoris lies hidden beneath skin. This is outside of the labia minora, or inner lips. Rub in upward/downward motions, using about the same amount of pressure you would if rubbing your eye.

Another hot spot is the clitoral hood, which is a fleshy protective casing that covers The Clit (illustrated in blue). Some women are too sensitive to have The Clit directly stimulated, but rubbing the hood MAY provide enough of a barrier to make it enjoyable. Start very very gently and gradually increase the pressure as she gets closer to orgasm. Generally a circular motion works well for this spot.

Check in with her frequently by asking if she likes what you’re doing. You can say, “Does that feel good? Do you want it harder? Is that spot sensitive?” and so forth. If she pushes her pelvis against your fingers, trying to increase the pressure, then you can press a little harder.

Tongue

The same spots apply whether using fingers or tongue, but tonguing technique is a little different. Start out by licking/kissing other parts – inner thighs, lower abdomen, etc. – and gradually make your way to The Clit. The build-up of anticipation will have her squirming with desire. Sometimes I like to blow air on The Clit before making contact. But no matter what you do, the ultimate goal is to stimulate the clitoris/The Clit to orgasm.

Many men make the mistake of thinking women want their vaginal opening stimulated with tongue, as if mimicking penile penetration. While some do enjoy this, from my experience the arousal gained from that action is more psychological than physical. A penis feels great, fingers are awesome, but a tongue is too short and soft to be really pleasurable. Focus your tongue on The Clit and leave the vagina for your fingers.

Actual technique with the tongue varies. Here are some suggestions that have proven popular:

  • Spell out the alphabet slowly, one letter at a time, with your tongue sweeping over The Clit
  • Sweep your tongue in circular motions and change direction every so often
  • Pull the clitoral hood into your mouth and suck on it and/or tongue it rapidly like a snake
  • Lick the entire vulva, from anus to The Clit, in one long, slow motion, then focus rapid motions on The Clit
  • As you tongue The Clit, insert fingers into the vagina and either mimick the movement a penis would make, going in and out, or rub the g-spot

General Tips

The best advice I can give is to try everything at least once with each new partner. Every woman is different, and not all women know what they like, particularly if they are inexperienced. ALWAYS START GENTLE, then build up from there. And remember that The Clit has twice as many nerve endings in a pea-sized area than the entire male penis.

Finally, here are some general observations that can take oral sex from mediocre to mindblowing:

  • Read her body language. Moaning, groaning, squirming, shaking, gripping onto things (sheets, your head, etc) are all good signs!
  • She may move around a lot when she’s getting close to orgasm – holding her in place takes physical strength, but it may be necessary, and can actually be arousing for her to be pinned down
  • When she’s getting close to orgasm, DO NOT LOSE CONTACT WITH THE CLIT. An orgasm requires two things: heat and pressure. If you take your tongue off The Clit you lose both, which sets her progress back a few steps and prolongs the process
  • Oral sex is a time commitment. Some can finish quickly, but some take a long time. Be ready to stick it out for the long haul. It will be worth it in the end!
  • If she says she’s climaxed and The Clit isn’t too sensitive to touch, then she probably didn’t actually orgasm

Cunnilingus Vs. Analingus

The theory behind both cunnilingus (oral stimulation of a woman’s genitals) and analingus (oral stimulation of the anus) might seem the same in theory; there’s a tongue and a hole in both cases. However, the two techniques are actually very different. First, there’s anatomy to be considered:

vulva1

Note the differences – the anus is just a hole, whereas the vulva has many different areas, each with a varying level of sensitivity.

The most important area of a woman’s vulva is the clitoris (AKA clit). The clit is actually more sensitive than the tip of a male penis – it’s a little nub full of nerves about the size of a pea. It hides away in a fleshy hood that protects it, but when excited the clit can bulge and become erect. While you don’t need to focus exclusively on the clit, I would say at least 80% of your attention needs to go there. Most women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation, so it’s absolutely crucial you learn to make it happy.

Every woman will like a different technique or amount of pressure, etc. so it’s good to have a few different things in mind when you start with someone new. Try out different things and decide what works best by her reaction. Louder moans, trembling, increased wetness/tightness, and fidgeting are all good signs. Some women like the feeling of teeth on their clit, but many don’t. Some like to have it sucked really hard, while this is too much for others. My general rule is to go gentle with fingers and hard with tongue. Adding a finger (or two) inside her vagina while you suck on her clit will bring her to new heights of pleasure. It’s tricky to master, and timing can be difficult, but trust me it’s worth the effort.

Analingus is much simpler, BUT: first of all, NEVER make contact with her anus without ASKING her permission first! No tongue, no fingers, and definitely no penis until she says yes.

Assuming you have her consent, analingus is really all about sticking your tongue in and around the hole. It’s not complicated. You want to create the in-and-out penetration with your tongue like you would if you were having anal sex. It’s the heat from the tongue and wetness of saliva which make the sensation enjoyable; as such, it’s also an excellent way to prepare for anal sex.

The anus is simple: simulate sex with your tongue. The vulva is much more complex, yet is also extremely rewarding once your skills have been mastered. When in doubt, ask your partner if what you’re doing feels good, or if she has a specific way she likes it.

Happy playing!

How to Give Good Head

The basic mechanics of the blowjob are simple – the penis goes into your mouth, then out, then back in. Wash, rinse, repeat until orgasm. But the true skill that is involved with giving a good blowjob means going above and beyond the basics. Oral sex is a learned art, one that you’re constantly re-learning with each new partner. People don’t typically openly discuss fine details about sexual technique, so much of what is learned is through experience. This means each person’s method will be a little different. It’s not something you can master without practicing, but there are some general rules to follow and tips that can prepare you for a foray into the world of cocksucking. Here are some helpful tips (pun intended) that I’ve learned over the years, in no particular order.

There is more to oral sex than the act of sucking. The best experiences include as many of the senses as possible, especially sight and sound. Pretend you’re putting on a performance for your partner, not just trying to get them off. Make occasional eye contact, moan & groan loudly, use your hands to knead their thighs/stomach/testicles. Behave as though you’re getting aroused by sucking on them, even if you’re not. Men are extremely visual when it comes to stimulation, so giving him something to watch while he’s enjoying your mouth will greatly enhance his pleasure.

Treat oral sex like a symphony – start out light and slowly and build the intensity. Going into it with all whistles firing usually means it’s harder to reach climax, and when they do, it won’t be as good. The more you build, the more intense the experience. Starting slowly also gives you the opportunity to make use of techniques that might be easier on your mouth/jaw.

I have divided the sub-techniques into two categories: light and intense. As a general rule I won’t backtrack – once I’ve started in intense, I don’t go back to light. Basically, once the head of their penis gets in my mouth, I stick with the intense activities. You want to keep the momentum moving forward.

Light

  • Massaging stomach, thighs, butt, pecs, or any other non-penis body part
  • Light kisses anywhere, including penis
  • Tickling with a feather, hair, or other objects
  • Licking anywhere except anus, including the shaft
  • Talking dirty – describing what you’re doing, or what you plan to do

Intense

  • Sucking on the top half of the penis (this will vary since penises are many different sizes)
  • Manually masturbating the penis with your hand
  • Massaging testicles
  • Sucking on testicles
  • Licking anus
  • Deep throating/gagging

Okay, so now you’ve teased him, got him squirming, and his penis is in your mouth. Now what? Unfortunately, a lot of what you do will depend on the size of his penis and the size of your mouth. If you’re struggling because he’s thick, it’s going to be more difficult than a penis of small or average size. For ease of explanation, I’m going to describe my technique on a man of average size.

Once you’ve got him all riled up with the light stuff, the most crucial element is consistency. Keep the rhythm going no matter what! If your jaw gets sore, then switch to using your hand while talking dirty to him. Or put just the head in your mouth while pumping the shaft. DO NOT STOP. Imagine trying to run uphill during an avalanche – if you stop, you get pushed back toward the bottom, making it that much harder to get to the peak.

One common misconception about this activity is that you have to suck on the penis, like you’re pulling water through a straw. While SOME suction is nice, especially in the beginning, that’s not the most important thing. Men respond better to a regular rhythm and deep thrusting than they do to actual sucking.

Just like women have more sensitize zones, men also have “hot spots.” Also, like women, each man will respond differently to stimuli. Some may have other hot spots, some may have none at all. These are generally the most common sensitive areas, as shown in the photo:

fellatio

The trick with sensitive spots is to favour your attention on them, but don’t exclude everything else. You’ll want to vary your area of focus because only working on one spot can de-sensitize it. In about 99% of men I’ve encountered, the head is the most sensitive area and the further down the shaft you go, the less sensitive it becomes. So that’s good news – even if you can’t deep throat, you can still bring him immense pleasure!

Learning to deep throat is tricky and requires a lot of practice and patience. It took me ten years to feel comfortable enough to work on my technique, and now another ten years later I feel like I can still improve. The best way I can describe it is like this: you want your throat to mimic how it acts when you yawn. It’s about opening as wide as you can, like you’re singing in low tones, to allow deeper oral penetration. It requires PATIENCE, and PRACTICE, and you will occasionally gag. Don’t be discouraged if longer and thicker penises just won’t go all the way in – unless you’re a professional sword swallower, everyone has a limit.

Finally, the most crucial piece of advice I can give, is that every guy is different! You can incorporate learning about his preferences into dirty talk, so it feels less clinical. For instance, lightly massage his testicles while looking him in the eye and saying, “You like that? You want more?” in a seductive voice. And read his reactions – squirming, moaning, hips thrusting, grabbing your hair, and grunting are all good signs.

When it comes to orgasm (spit vs. swallow), it’s all about personal preference. Don’t be afraid to lay down the rules ahead of time. I personally don’t allow ejaculate in my mouth, and I state that very openly upfront. If the man has a problem then he doesn’t get the reward.

I hope this explanation is helpful to some out there. Feel free to comment with any questions or concerns. Happy playing!