Personal FAQs

Here are answers to commonly asked questions I receive, in no particular order:

Biggest and smallest penises I have encountered

The biggest I’ve ever had was 9.5 inches and the smallest was probably 3-4 inches; both were difficult in different ways. The big one became very painful very quickly, especially with the extra friction from a condom, and I couldn’t manage many traditional positions. The smallest belonged to a guy who was a terrible lover; he didn’t care about my pleasure at all, and thought he was bigger than he actually was. I never corrected him but I was mentally laughing at his ego. Suffice to say that Small Boy only had one chance and never heard from me again.

My preferred penis size

I generally prefer anywhere from 6.5 inches to 8.5 inches at the absolute most. But I won’t turn down a potential lover if they fall outside that range because vaginal sex is only one part of sexual activities. It doesn’t take a well-endowed man to bring most women, myself included, immense pleasure.

Best and worst lovers I’ve had

My worst lover was Small Boy, as mentioned above, but once again not because he was small. His selfishness and ego, and total disinterest in making me feel good, are why he was awful. Had he actually cared about my pleasure even a little and he might have redeemed himself.

My best lover was a brief but intense affair. He was very passionate about pleasing me, not only for my sake, but because he genuinely got off on making me orgasm. It was almost like he could orgasm just from making me climax. He would beg to be allowed to please me – although not in a submissive way – because he loved doing it so much. He loved the scent, taste, and sight of women and femininity. His enthusiasm and passion were extremely arousing to me and made me feel relaxed and comfortable around him. He legitimately worshiped my body; he helped me feel sexy and cherished.

Best and worst sexual experiences

My best sex was the first time with my best lover, as described above. I was surprised because usually the first time with someone new involves a lot more fumbling and sloppiness than actual pleasure. But that first time we were together, when I experienced that level of passion, was something I’ll never forget.

I’ve had plenty of awful sex before, but there’s one specific instance that comes to mind as being among the worst. I was with my high school boyfriend and we were going at it. Right when I was about to orgasm, I heard one of my cats barfing up a hairball in the room. It completely ruined the moment and we couldn’t recover from the interruption that night. We laughed about it but I remember feeling extremely frustrated.

Turn ons, turn offs, and dealbreakers

My particular turn ons include blue eyes, being taller than me, and intelligence. If someone can talk philosophy or politics with me, I’ll be way more interested than some chiseled idiot. Also compassion, kindness, and an open mind are really big. Sure there are plenty of physical traits I love (like a cute butt!), but a personality can make or break attraction for me. As an example, I once worked with a guy who I thought was very, very sexy. I loved staring at him. Then one day he spewed vitriolic, misogynist nonsense from his mouth-hole and the attraction was instantly gone. It never came back.

I have several major turn offs: selfishness, egotism, willful ignorance, rudeness, and right-wing blabbermouths (see: Donald Trump). Again the basic physical appearance is much less important than personality, integrity, and strength of character. Also I really hate when men wear socks during sex.

I have only a few select dealbreakers: when someone doesn’t speak English fluently (that becomes a communication issue); guys who don’t trim their toenails; not liking animals (in a platonic way – I just don’t trust someone who can’t connect with animals on some level); people who judge others for stupid reasons; and people who are pushy. Anyone trying to impose their values on me will get an earful and/or blocked; I don’t judge you, so you don’t get to judge me. End of story.

I also feel inclined to post this disclaimer: EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. What I find attractive or repulsive is totally irrelevant. You need to find someone who YOU find attractive, and who reciprocates that sentiment.

Best and worst ways to meet someone

I am in no way an expert on this subject. I have met people in many different ways: online, through mutual friends or friends of family members, at common activities (school, work, etc), and randomly. What I can do is give a breakdown of how many people I’ve met through different activities as follows:

meetinglovers

In a future post, I will review various dating apps and websites based on my personal experiences. Online dating seems to be the way to go these days for many reasons; it’s certainly an arena that’s expanding rapidly.

Happy playing!

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Porn vs Reality

Pornography is one of the most controversial issues when it comes to sex. Many feel the ease of access is too great, especially for younger folk, while others believe in freedom of expression.

I personally think porn is awesome, but like everything has its appropriate time and place. My biggest pet peeve lies with the myths it generates/perpetuates about sex and sexuality; those with less experience might internalize the values expressed in porn and translate them to real life. This is a dangerous mindset. Porn is for fantasy! While it may teach you the basic mechanics of sex, there is a lot to be critical about.

Penis size

The average male penis is 5.2 inches long when erect, according to a recent study by King’s College London. Between 4 inches and 6.3 inches covers 90% of men, according to Men’s Health. Yet most professional porn is performed by men with very above average size and girth.

Yes, ladies and gents, there are guys with big penises. They do exist. But they are the exception to the rule. Don’t expect every potential partner to be huge, and don’t dismiss a man for being average!

Body Size

Professional female porn stars are often petite and athletic with flat stomachs, perky breasts, and perfectly rounded bums. While these women do exist in reality, most women are not like this. We have cellulite, stretch marks, scars, problem areas in terms of fat storage, moles, and body hair. According to the CDC, the average woman weighs 166 lbs; that is well above many professional porn stars. 70% of women are overweight or obese. I’ll just leave it at that.

Similarly, most male porn stars are often muscled, tall, and relatively hairless. This is simply not a reasonable representation of a majority of men. Again, this type of man does exist, but he is the exception to the rule. While men don’t accumulate fat reserves quite the same way that women do, and typically in different places, there is still a lot of variety out there.

Watching athletic people with flawless skin have sex serves as a great basis for fantasy, but the reality is often very different. Don’t expect your partner to look like a porn star, because that is not a realistic demand. Every body is unique and beautiful in its own way! An overweight woman can still be great in bed, and a muscular man can still have a small penis. Try to look beyond the shell to the person underneath.

Female orgasms

Here’s something to consider: most women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration only! Yet you see this happening all the time in porn. My theory is that men want to think their penis is so impressive and big that that’s all a woman needs to climax. Sorry guys, it doesn’t work that way. While a bigger penis feels great, penetration alone does not usually stimulate the clitoris (which has 8000 nerve endings on one little button). In fact, 90% of vaginal nerve endings lie in the first 1/3 of the vagina.

Some women find it extremely difficult to orgasm. Some women rarely orgasm. Some women don’t know what an orgasm feels like because they’ve never had one. It is much more complex for women than it is for most men.

I think I might write an entire post on female orgasms. There’s so much more to say on that topic. Suffice to say, most women in porn are faking it. Keep in mind, they are paid to fake it well.

Consent

Most women don’t invite the TV repairman inside while wearing sheer lingerie. Nor do most women like being touched by strangers on a bus, or inappropriate contact from their doctor. If a stranger walked up to me in a bar and kissed me, he would likely earn a knee to the groin for his trouble. Real life is NOT reflective of scenarios in porn.

In reality, you need clear, informed consent. Consent is necessary. Consent is sexy. If a stranger in a bar asked if he could kiss me, I’d be inclined to give it some serious thought rather than kicking his balls.

Furthermore, acceptance of non-consent is also crucial. Let me put it this way: would a heterosexual man enjoy attention from a pushy, boundary-ignoring homosexual man? Probably not. It’s the same way women feel about attention from men – NO MEANS NO. End of story. If a woman says no, you need to accept that and walk away. Trying to convince her is unacceptable behaviour.

Vaginas and labia

I hear this all the time – “Her lips are so loose, she must get fucked a lot.”

That’s not how it works. Long labia, aka “loose skin,” is not caused by sex. It is genetic and unaffected by external factors. See this post about vaginas to learn more.

Timing

Most porn is designed with a male audience in mind, so it reflects what men want to see. Often porn focuses very heavily on male pleasure – extended scenes with blowjobs and penetration with very little attention paid to the woman’s needs. This is in stark contrast to reality where women usually need a lot more attention than men to achieve orgasm. As a man, if you are focusing on what you want rather than pleasing your partner, you’re doing it wrong.

Furthermore, the amount of time spent on any activity may not reflect real life either. The reality is that giving a blowjob can hurt the jaw after a while, and vaginal penetration causes chafing when done for extended periods of time. One round of sex usually doesn’t take hours. A study published by Dr. Brendan Zietsch indicates that of 500 couples studied, sex lasted anywhere from 33 seconds to 44 minutes, not including foreplay, with an average of 5.4 minutes. That is significantly shorter than most porn films, which is absolutely okay.