For the most part, men have a much easier time achieving orgasm. This is largely because their sex organs are on the outside and are easily accessed. Of course, there are some men who have a difficult time reaching climax, for various reasons, but in my experience most men have an easier time of it than women.
As you can see, what most people call “The Clit” is just the small nub that is visible in the vulva, while a vast majority of this organ is actually internal.
The clitoris is a lot like a penis – when a woman is aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and becomes engorged. This makes it much more sensitive. At the same time, the vagina expands and lubricates to prepare for penetration and eventual fertilization. It’s a lot of internal shifting that happens.
What this means is that anyone who knows how to stimulate the clitoris, not just The Clit, will have an easier time getting a woman to orgasm.
As I wrote in a post about blowjobs, I will reiterate here: the best oral sex is about starting slowly and building the pace. Chasing an orgasm feels the best when you treat it like a symphony, a crescendo of intensity that builds to a grand finale. Or on a smaller scale, think of it like “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen – it starts slow and simple, gradually adds elements, and shifts to other things before a truly explosive ending. That’s how a good orgasm happens.
So, on to technique. That’s the biggest hurdle. I can talk all day about stimulation and arousal but if you don’t know how to do it, this conversation is pointless.
There are two basic methods: fingers and tongue. I will refer to the following image for reference:
Although The Clit is undoubtedly the focal point of the vulva, you don’t have to directly stimulate it. Try rubbing the areas to the left and right of it (illustrated in green), which is where the clitoris lies hidden beneath skin. This is outside of the labia minora, or inner lips. Rub in upward/downward motions, using about the same amount of pressure you would if rubbing your eye.
Another hot spot is the clitoral hood, which is a fleshy protective casing that covers The Clit (illustrated in blue). Some women are too sensitive to have The Clit directly stimulated, but rubbing the hood MAY provide enough of a barrier to make it enjoyable. Start very very gently and gradually increase the pressure as she gets closer to orgasm. Generally a circular motion works well for this spot.
Check in with her frequently by asking if she likes what you’re doing. You can say, “Does that feel good? Do you want it harder? Is that spot sensitive?” and so forth. If she pushes her pelvis against your fingers, trying to increase the pressure, then you can press a little harder.
The same spots apply whether using fingers or tongue, but tonguing technique is a little different. Start out by licking/kissing other parts – inner thighs, lower abdomen, etc. – and gradually make your way to The Clit. The build-up of anticipation will have her squirming with desire. Sometimes I like to blow air on The Clit before making contact. But no matter what you do, the ultimate goal is to stimulate the clitoris/The Clit to orgasm.
Many men make the mistake of thinking women want their vaginal opening stimulated with tongue, as if mimicking penile penetration. While some do enjoy this, from my experience the arousal gained from that action is more psychological than physical. A penis feels great, fingers are awesome, but a tongue is too short and soft to be really pleasurable. Focus your tongue on The Clit and leave the vagina for your fingers.
Actual technique with the tongue varies. Here are some suggestions that have proven popular:
- Spell out the alphabet slowly, one letter at a time, with your tongue sweeping over The Clit
- Sweep your tongue in circular motions and change direction every so often
- Pull the clitoral hood into your mouth and suck on it and/or tongue it rapidly like a snake
- Lick the entire vulva, from anus to The Clit, in one long, slow motion, then focus rapid motions on The Clit
- As you tongue The Clit, insert fingers into the vagina and either mimick the movement a penis would make, going in and out, or rub the g-spot
The best advice I can give is to try everything at least once with each new partner. Every woman is different, and not all women know what they like, particularly if they are inexperienced. ALWAYS START GENTLE, then build up from there. And remember that The Clit has twice as many nerve endings in a pea-sized area than the entire male penis.
Finally, here are some general observations that can take oral sex from mediocre to mindblowing:
- Read her body language. Moaning, groaning, squirming, shaking, gripping onto things (sheets, your head, etc) are all good signs!
- She may move around a lot when she’s getting close to orgasm – holding her in place takes physical strength, but it may be necessary, and can actually be arousing for her to be pinned down
- When she’s getting close to orgasm, DO NOT LOSE CONTACT WITH THE CLIT. An orgasm requires two things: heat and pressure. If you take your tongue off The Clit you lose both, which sets her progress back a few steps and prolongs the process
- Oral sex is a time commitment. Some can finish quickly, but some take a long time. Be ready to stick it out for the long haul. It will be worth it in the end!
- If she says she’s climaxed and The Clit isn’t too sensitive to touch, then she probably didn’t actually orgasm