The Female Orgasm

For the most part, men have a much easier time achieving orgasm. This is largely because their sex organs are on the outside and are easily accessed. Of course, there are some men who have a difficult time reaching climax, for various reasons, but in my experience most men have an easier time of it than women.

I’ve previously discussed the fundamentals of menstruation and the anatomy of the vulva, but to truly delve into orgasms, more anatomy info is needed. I’ll try to make it as simple as possible.

anatomy_of_the_clitoris1

As you can see, what most people call “The Clit” is just the small nub that is visible in the vulva, while a vast majority of this organ is actually internal.

The clitoris is a lot like a penis – when a woman is aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and becomes engorged. This makes it much more sensitive. At the same time, the vagina expands and lubricates to prepare for penetration and eventual fertilization. It’s a lot of internal shifting that happens.

What this means is that anyone who knows how to stimulate the clitoris, not just The Clit, will have an easier time getting a woman to orgasm.

As I wrote in a post about blowjobs, I will reiterate here: the best oral sex is about starting slowly and building the pace. Chasing an orgasm feels the best when you treat it like a symphony, a crescendo of intensity that builds to a grand finale. Or on a smaller scale, think of it like “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen – it starts slow and simple, gradually adds elements, and shifts to other things before a truly explosive ending. That’s how a good orgasm happens.

So, on to technique. That’s the biggest hurdle. I can talk all day about stimulation and arousal but if you don’t know how to do it, this conversation is pointless.

There are two basic methods: fingers and tongue. I will refer to the following image for reference:

fo1

Fingers

Although The Clit is undoubtedly the focal point of the vulva, you don’t have to directly stimulate it. Try rubbing the areas to the left and right of it (illustrated in green), which is where the clitoris lies hidden beneath skin. This is outside of the labia minora, or inner lips. Rub in upward/downward motions, using about the same amount of pressure you would if rubbing your eye.

Another hot spot is the clitoral hood, which is a fleshy protective casing that covers The Clit (illustrated in blue). Some women are too sensitive to have The Clit directly stimulated, but rubbing the hood MAY provide enough of a barrier to make it enjoyable. Start very very gently and gradually increase the pressure as she gets closer to orgasm. Generally a circular motion works well for this spot.

Check in with her frequently by asking if she likes what you’re doing. You can say, “Does that feel good? Do you want it harder? Is that spot sensitive?” and so forth. If she pushes her pelvis against your fingers, trying to increase the pressure, then you can press a little harder.

Tongue

The same spots apply whether using fingers or tongue, but tonguing technique is a little different. Start out by licking/kissing other parts – inner thighs, lower abdomen, etc. – and gradually make your way to The Clit. The build-up of anticipation will have her squirming with desire. Sometimes I like to blow air on The Clit before making contact. But no matter what you do, the ultimate goal is to stimulate the clitoris/The Clit to orgasm.

Many men make the mistake of thinking women want their vaginal opening stimulated with tongue, as if mimicking penile penetration. While some do enjoy this, from my experience the arousal gained from that action is more psychological than physical. A penis feels great, fingers are awesome, but a tongue is too short and soft to be really pleasurable. Focus your tongue on The Clit and leave the vagina for your fingers.

Actual technique with the tongue varies. Here are some suggestions that have proven popular:

  • Spell out the alphabet slowly, one letter at a time, with your tongue sweeping over The Clit
  • Sweep your tongue in circular motions and change direction every so often
  • Pull the clitoral hood into your mouth and suck on it and/or tongue it rapidly like a snake
  • Lick the entire vulva, from anus to The Clit, in one long, slow motion, then focus rapid motions on The Clit
  • As you tongue The Clit, insert fingers into the vagina and either mimick the movement a penis would make, going in and out, or rub the g-spot

General Tips

The best advice I can give is to try everything at least once with each new partner. Every woman is different, and not all women know what they like, particularly if they are inexperienced. ALWAYS START GENTLE, then build up from there. And remember that The Clit has twice as many nerve endings in a pea-sized area than the entire male penis.

Finally, here are some general observations that can take oral sex from mediocre to mindblowing:

  • Read her body language. Moaning, groaning, squirming, shaking, gripping onto things (sheets, your head, etc) are all good signs!
  • She may move around a lot when she’s getting close to orgasm – holding her in place takes physical strength, but it may be necessary, and can actually be arousing for her to be pinned down
  • When she’s getting close to orgasm, DO NOT LOSE CONTACT WITH THE CLIT. An orgasm requires two things: heat and pressure. If you take your tongue off The Clit you lose both, which sets her progress back a few steps and prolongs the process
  • Oral sex is a time commitment. Some can finish quickly, but some take a long time. Be ready to stick it out for the long haul. It will be worth it in the end!
  • If she says she’s climaxed and The Clit isn’t too sensitive to touch, then she probably didn’t actually orgasm

Porn vs Reality

Pornography is one of the most controversial issues when it comes to sex. Many feel the ease of access is too great, especially for younger folk, while others believe in freedom of expression.

I personally think porn is awesome, but like everything has its appropriate time and place. My biggest pet peeve lies with the myths it generates/perpetuates about sex and sexuality; those with less experience might internalize the values expressed in porn and translate them to real life. This is a dangerous mindset. Porn is for fantasy! While it may teach you the basic mechanics of sex, there is a lot to be critical about.

Penis size

The average male penis is 5.2 inches long when erect, according to a recent study by King’s College London. Between 4 inches and 6.3 inches covers 90% of men, according to Men’s Health. Yet most professional porn is performed by men with very above average size and girth.

Yes, ladies and gents, there are guys with big penises. They do exist. But they are the exception to the rule. Don’t expect every potential partner to be huge, and don’t dismiss a man for being average!

Body Size

Professional female porn stars are often petite and athletic with flat stomachs, perky breasts, and perfectly rounded bums. While these women do exist in reality, most women are not like this. We have cellulite, stretch marks, scars, problem areas in terms of fat storage, moles, and body hair. According to the CDC, the average woman weighs 166 lbs; that is well above many professional porn stars. 70% of women are overweight or obese. I’ll just leave it at that.

Similarly, most male porn stars are often muscled, tall, and relatively hairless. This is simply not a reasonable representation of a majority of men. Again, this type of man does exist, but he is the exception to the rule. While men don’t accumulate fat reserves quite the same way that women do, and typically in different places, there is still a lot of variety out there.

Watching athletic people with flawless skin have sex serves as a great basis for fantasy, but the reality is often very different. Don’t expect your partner to look like a porn star, because that is not a realistic demand. Every body is unique and beautiful in its own way! An overweight woman can still be great in bed, and a muscular man can still have a small penis. Try to look beyond the shell to the person underneath.

Female orgasms

Here’s something to consider: most women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration only! Yet you see this happening all the time in porn. My theory is that men want to think their penis is so impressive and big that that’s all a woman needs to climax. Sorry guys, it doesn’t work that way. While a bigger penis feels great, penetration alone does not usually stimulate the clitoris (which has 8000 nerve endings on one little button). In fact, 90% of vaginal nerve endings lie in the first 1/3 of the vagina.

Some women find it extremely difficult to orgasm. Some women rarely orgasm. Some women don’t know what an orgasm feels like because they’ve never had one. It is much more complex for women than it is for most men.

I think I might write an entire post on female orgasms. There’s so much more to say on that topic. Suffice to say, most women in porn are faking it. Keep in mind, they are paid to fake it well.

Consent

Most women don’t invite the TV repairman inside while wearing sheer lingerie. Nor do most women like being touched by strangers on a bus, or inappropriate contact from their doctor. If a stranger walked up to me in a bar and kissed me, he would likely earn a knee to the groin for his trouble. Real life is NOT reflective of scenarios in porn.

In reality, you need clear, informed consent. Consent is necessary. Consent is sexy. If a stranger in a bar asked if he could kiss me, I’d be inclined to give it some serious thought rather than kicking his balls.

Furthermore, acceptance of non-consent is also crucial. Let me put it this way: would a heterosexual man enjoy attention from a pushy, boundary-ignoring homosexual man? Probably not. It’s the same way women feel about attention from men – NO MEANS NO. End of story. If a woman says no, you need to accept that and walk away. Trying to convince her is unacceptable behaviour.

Vaginas and labia

I hear this all the time – “Her lips are so loose, she must get fucked a lot.”

That’s not how it works. Long labia, aka “loose skin,” is not caused by sex. It is genetic and unaffected by external factors. See this post about vaginas to learn more.

Timing

Most porn is designed with a male audience in mind, so it reflects what men want to see. Often porn focuses very heavily on male pleasure – extended scenes with blowjobs and penetration with very little attention paid to the woman’s needs. This is in stark contrast to reality where women usually need a lot more attention than men to achieve orgasm. As a man, if you are focusing on what you want rather than pleasing your partner, you’re doing it wrong.

Furthermore, the amount of time spent on any activity may not reflect real life either. The reality is that giving a blowjob can hurt the jaw after a while, and vaginal penetration causes chafing when done for extended periods of time. One round of sex usually doesn’t take hours. A study published by Dr. Brendan Zietsch indicates that of 500 couples studied, sex lasted anywhere from 33 seconds to 44 minutes, not including foreplay, with an average of 5.4 minutes. That is significantly shorter than most porn films, which is absolutely okay.

FAQ: The Vagina

The vagina. Pussy. Twat. Cunt. Kitty. Snatch. Box. Fuckhole. Flower. Bearded clam.

It’s an enigma wrapped in a paradox underneath a blanket of questions. So I went on Whisper and said I would answer any questions about the vagina. Here are the most commonly asked questions and my respective answers:

What’s the difference between squirt and cum?

This requires some basic anatomy to properly address. First, women’s genitals have three main holes. YES! THREE! There’s the anus, the vagina, and the urethra. The urethral opening is usually very small and unnoticeable, and it located between the clitoris and the vaginal opening.

Second, this question is tougher to answer because of the language. Some men think squirting is cumming, others think cum is the thicker fluid that comes out during sex. I tend to go with the latter – squirting is separate from cum.

Cum is the thicker, almost gooey whitish stuff that comes with sex. The vagina produces this both as a lubricant for penetration and as a catalyst to help sperm survive the trip to the uterus. The consistency will vary depending on the woman’s menstrual cycle; the fluid tends to be thickest just before ovulation, and thinnest before and after bleeding. The amount a woman produces will vary depending on the individual.

There is a great deal of debate about what squirt is, and where it comes from. The only thing known with absolute certainty is that it’s released from the urethral region, NOT the vagina, and is a very thin liquid. All squirt has at least a trace of urine in it. The most common belief is that Skene’s glands are what create and store this liquid, and when these glands are stimulated they abruptly push the liquid out through tiny exits near the urethra.

0216whnp_otcdyspareunia-figure

So… to summarize…

Vaginal cum = thicker, sometimes white, comes from vagina

Squirt = thinner, mostly clear, comes from urethral region

What is bottoming out? Why does it happen?

This occurs when a penis is longer than the vagina; during sex, the penis pushes on the cervix, often painfully.

Each woman has a different size and shape to their vagina – just like a finger print or snowflake, no two vaginas are exactly alike. Some can take longer penises than others. Much like a penis, a vagina actually enlarges and expands when it’s aroused, making it able to encompass more of the penis. According to WebMD and Maxim, an aroused vagina averages at 4.5 inches in depth. Keep in mind that number is an AVERAGE; some will be deeper, some shallower.

But there is also the cervix to consider. The cervix acts as a barrier between the vagina and the uterus, and is somewhat elastic. It can stretch to a certain point before becoming painful. As a woman who has been told by multiple doctors I have a deep vagina, I can take about 8 inches before it gets uncomfortable.

Does larger labia mean she’s had more sex than others?

NO!!!

Like vaginas, finger prints, and snowflakes, each women’s labia is unique and dictated by genetics. Larger labia does not mean she’s “loose,” nor will having many sexual partners loosen the skin of the labia. This is a complete myth.

Can women squeeze the vagina to make it tighter?

Yes. The pelvic floor muscles are a large group that connects the vagina, anus, and bladder. Like any other muscles, they can benefit from strengthening exercises to help with incontinence or to make sex more pleasurable. Here is a guide from the Mayo Clinic about doing Kegel Exercises.

What are the most sensitive spots?

There isn’t one universal answer for this, because each woman is unique. The vulva as a whole is more sensitive than most other body parts, though there are a few areas that should be focused on. The clit and the g-spot are two absolutely crucial must-stimulate areas – she’s probably going to have a bad time if you don’t at least give the clit some attention. Some women have sensitive labia, others don’t. Some find touching the g-spot painful, while others need a lot of pressure.

A good rule is to start gentle and gradually increase pressure with increased arousal, and lubricate everything you touch down there! Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you go along: “Is this okay? Does this feel good? Do you want it harder? How do you like it?”

Why do vaginas smell?

Random fact: the vagina is actually a smorgasbord of bacteria. It’s a delicate balance of helpful bacteria, like the kind found in pro-biotic yogurt, and dangerous intrusive bacteria. Natural lubrication from the vagina helps keep it clean and flush out the bad bacteria. This fluid has a naturally mild odour/taste that is unique to each woman and may change a little throughout her monthly cycle.

Sometimes the bad bacteria can take over and cause infections, which can cause a whole host of unpleasant symptoms, including a strong, foul smell. These infections can be easily addressed by a doctor with either antibiotics or yeast treatment, depending on the problem.

If your partner’s vagina is unpleasant smelling or tasting, gently bring it up to her and suggest she see her doctor. This is tricky because most of us are very self-conscious about our lady bits, thanks to porn and popular culture, so be tactful, respectful and supportive.

Menstruation 101 for Men

Guys, let’s face it: unless you’re gay, celibate, or asexual, your life will most likely be influenced by menstruation at some point. Society treats menstruation as some taboo subject that should not be discussed, but this is utter bullshit. Every guy (except those mentioned above) should have a basic understanding of this natural process women are forced to endure each month.

So, here goes nothing!

Menstruation is the series of bodily changes women undergo each month as part of fertility. The purpose of menstruation is to have babies. If a woman does not get pregnant in a cycle, she will start it all over again. This whole process is regulated by various hormones which increase and decrease throughout the month to facilitate these changes.

Each cycle lasts between 21 and 35 days, averaging at 28 days. A woman’s “period,” or menstrual flow (AKA when they bleed from the vagina), starts on day one and typically lasts between three and seven days. Days 14-17 are when she ovulates and can get pregnant. Assuming a cycle of 28 days, she will start PMS anywhere from day 21 to day 25 and it will last until day 2 of the next cycle.

*Side note: PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome and occurs BEFORE bleeding begins.

I bet that sounds confusing. Here’s a graphic:

menses

The droplets are, of course, when bleeding occurs. As you can see, a rapid drop in both estrogen and progesterone results in PMS (symbolized by the radioactive symbol).

The first column illustrates the four phases of the cycle: menstrual, follicular, ovulation, and luteal. The colourful lines show the changes in hormones.

Here is a very basic anatomical chart of the female reproductive system so you can follow along:

female-reproductive-system

Here’s the short short version of what happens:

Days 6-13: follicular phase

During this time, rising estrogen tells the uterus to start thickening its lining with nutrient-dense blood in order to feed a baby. The ovaries prepare an egg, to be fertilized by sperm from a male.

Day 14: Ovulation

When estrogen is high enough, it triggers the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) to spike, which causes the egg to travel down the fallopian tube to the uterus. When it isn’t met with any sperm, estrogen begins to rapidly decline.

Days 15-28: luteal phase

Progesterone and estrogen increase in order to support a fertilized egg, but when they realize it wasn’t fertilized both hormones drop at the same time. This causes PMS symptoms.

Days 1-5: Menstrual Phase

When progesterone and estrogen are low enough, the uterus is told to shed all the extra blood it saved up during the follicular phase, which is flushed out through the vagina. The uterus muscles contract to push out this material, causing occasionally severe cramping.

A Brief Disclaimer…

It is important to note that this is a general description of what takes place and so makes a few assumptions: 1) That a woman operates on a regular 28 day cycle; 2) That there are no other factors which may influence her cycle, such as cancer or hormonal imbalance; 3) She is not taking birth control pills or other hormone supplements. Not all women ovulate on day 14, and not all women have regular cycles. This is roughly what should happen if everything is working normally.