How to Find a Sexual Partner

Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to fuck. If you’re single and looking for casual fun, where do you turn? How do you get it? What’s the first step?

For women, it’s as simple as broadcasting your interest in casual fun. Men will come knocking at your door in masses, day and night, to get a piece of the action. Women can afford to be a lot pickier – and we often are – simply because we have that luxury.

Unfortunately men have the opposite problem; they have to push their way to the front of the crowd of horny, tactless boys. It’s highly competitive and often ends with rejection, for one reason or another. Here I will try to illustrate some concepts that MAY help a man get through the mental screening process.

*Side note: this is strictly from MY point of view. Every woman is different, and specific tactics will work on some but not others.

 

The Basics

Women are human beings. We have thoughts, feelings, desires, and pet peeves. TALK to us like normal people. Very rarely are casual encounters entirely about sex only – there’s usually some amount of communication or hanging out involved, even if you never see them again afterward. We want to hook up with someone we can enjoy from the start of an encounter to its conclusion. We also need to feel some basic level of safety in the situation (ie: trust that you aren’t violent predators, or potential needle-sharers).

We also want to make sure you’re not a selfish prick. Yes we know a casual hookup is a short term scenario, possibly even just one night, but we want to feel confident that you are interested in doing the job properly. Sex is usually straightforward for men – that’s often not the case for us. If we are going to let you in, we want to believe you’ll make it worth our while. *Side note: those who genuinely enjoy pleasing women, as opposed to those who do it from obligation, score more points in my book.

I encourage you to think about “picking up” like a job interview. Be polite, answer her questions thoroughly, build a rapport, and PROVE your worthiness for the position. Telling an interviewer you can do XYZ is essentially meaningless – explain WHY you want this position, and how you will excel at it. Why should she choose you for the job over all the other applicants? What makes you stand out from the rest?

Here are some of the criteria I look for in a casual encounter:

  • Communication – Will he be a fun person to talk to, before and after the physical stuff? Do we have anything in common to talk about?
  • Skill – How much experience does he have? Will I be forced to teach him what to do, or does he know enough? (either way is fine, I just like to know ahead of time so I’m not surprised)
  • Attraction – Is he actually attracted to ME, or just looking for anything with a vagina?
  • Needs – Does he seem like the type to do a good job? Will he thoroughly take care of MY needs as well as his own? Does he genuinely enjoy giving pleasure?
  • Safety – Will I be safe alone with him? Is he likely to have any STDs? Are we on the same page about protection and birth control?

The real trick is HOW you communicate this information without sounding creepy. In a job interview, you don’t just walk in and announce this information all at once. There is a game of give-and-take, a delicate exchange that happens over a period of time. This is a practiced skill that takes time to learn. You have to figure out how to read people, which is sometimes hard to do when you’re talking online.

Here are some signs that she probably isn’t into you:

  • One word or very short responses
  • Ambiguous answers that don’t really convey any information
  • Taking a long time to respond to each message
  • Avoiding setting up a time/place to meet
  • Talking in vague terms or in the third person

If you’re not getting a positive vibe, then let it go. From a woman’s perspective, we won’t spend a lot of time on someone we’ve mentally labeled “unworthy,” and it’s nearly impossible to change that label once she’s made up her mind. Someone can be designated as “unworthy” for any dozens of reasons, so don’t take it personally. We all have mental criteria which not everybody fulfills. It is what it is.

I’ve heard men complain about women who play games, or mislead guys for selfish purposes. Yes, that happens, more than it should, but often it comes from a specific type of experience: men can be cruel and sometimes violent when they’re rejected. It’s happened at least once to most women when it should never happen at all. I firmly believe that once ALL men handle rejection with respect and dignity, MORE women will be straightforward about our intentions. Generally speaking, of course – there are flakes in any gender.

Worst Ideas Ever – things that are guaranteed not to work

  • Unsolicited dick pics: it doesn’t matter how big or thick your penis is, if I haven’t given permission for you to send me a pic, then I will block you.
  • Aggressive behaviour: If I say NO, I mean NO. Trying to convince me to change my mind will result in an angry tirade at best, and getting your photo blasted online at worst.
  • Opening with sexual lines: If you mention sex in the first ten minutes (or approximately 10 messages), you will be rejected.
  • Asking for sexual favours: No matter how it’s worded, asking me to perform sexual acts or saying you want me to do something will be met with the block button.
  • Getting too personal: Asking for detailed information about my sexual history/exploits too early in the conversation will not go over well.

In summary:

  • TALK TO HER like a normal human being – ask her questions about herself, her hobbies & interests, and try to build a conversation based on something you have in common
  • Compliments go a long way, so long as they’re genuine. But too many compliments are creepy!
  • Show that you remember something she said earlier in the conversation – it proves you’re interested enough to pay attention to her words
  • I like lists

 

I will make another post featuring actual conversations I’ve had online, with descriptions of what’s good and what isn’t.

 

Happy playing! J

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One Man’s Perspective on Consent

This article is amazing! This man tells a good truth that “women love sex even more than men, but they only love sex under the right conditions. Much like a garden won’t grow without the right soil, water and care, women won’t express themselves sexually unless they feel safe, and we as men have the brilliant opportunity to create that, and when we don’t we’re simply shooting ourselves in the foot.”

Read the article here: http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/i-promise-its-not-lame-to-ask-a-woman-for-permission/

A Theory on Ethical Non-Monogamy

Despite becoming more popular, ethical non-monogamy still has a bad reputation for many people. I’ve heard the old saying, “She wants her cake and eat it too” far too many times. It’s not necessarily about that. Non-monogamy is an alternative lifestyle, one entered into by rational choice of both parties, and can be very fulfilling. I believe that, at least for me, the desire for this type of relationship stems from a basic evolutionary imperative leftover from our ancient chimpanzee ancestors.

The most fundamental drive that guides all living things, whether plant or animal, is survival of the species. By this I mean that at our core, humans are programmed to help the human species survive as a whole. Dogs ensure dogs survive, pine trees are concerned with survival of pine trees, and so on. This is not a rational choice – it is not a value judgement, decision, or a social construct. It is an uncontrollable, primal urge.

There are many examples of this phenomenon. Worker honey bees die after they sting a perceived threat – they sacrifice themselves for the good of the hive. Vampire bats will regurgitate food and share it with roost mates who are weak from hunger. And there are many species – including humans – whose mothers are willing to sacrifice themselves for the safety of their offspring.

The way a species survives over time is through meeting biological needs, reproduction, and adaptation. The former refers to basics like food, water, and air, while the latter means the ability to persist through changing conditions (ie: an ice age, or a dwindling food source, etc). Reproduction is both a biological and a social phenomenon; it requires some basic level of social cooperation to be successful, and operates biomechanically. In nature, females are most often attracted to those males who have the physical traits considered desirable for survival of the species. For example, if a woman has a choice between two mates, one who is sick with many different inherited ailments, and the other who appears healthy and physically fit, her primal attraction will favour the latter. Her base instinct will be to produce offspring with the greatest chances for survival.

Having said all of the above, humans have evolved significantly since our ancient ancestors diverged from chimpanzees. We are larger, smarter, and stronger. We are capable of understanding abstract concepts, using logic to make rational decisions, cooperating on a large scale, to feel a wide array of emotions, and to manipulate our environment. For the most part, we don’t answer to our primal urges anymore. Reproduction has become much more of a social concept done through careful mate selection based on emotions (love), economic status (money), and social status (arranged marriages).

Essentially, we have evolved to the point of being able to use reason over biological urges.

It is my theory that those who prefer non-monogamous situations do so because of the above mentioned primal biological imperative. It’s not that they cannot control the urge to copulate, it’s that they feel that animalistic urge more keenly than others. They choose primary partners based on love, common interests, and mutual respect; they choose casual sex partners who provoke a primal urge to reproduce – what I call “sexual chemistry.”

Even though these casual couplings rarely involve reproduction, they are driven by the fundamental urge to try. They may know their casual partner is not the best candidate for helping to raise offspring, for any number of reasons, but the primal urge for genetic superiority is very powerful.

Obviously this is just my personal theory. There could be dozens, if not hundreds, of other factors that lead someone to non-monogamy. Perhaps they are nymphomaniacs, have very unusual fetishes that their partner does not share, are genuinely afraid of monogamy, or get bored easily. No single reason is more or less valid than another.

The key point here is that when a couple makes a rational decision to engage in non-monogamy, no one else has the right to judge them. For many, it’s just part of their nature and is as unchangeable as homosexuality, skin colour, or favourite food. It may not be the standard lifestyle that most people embrace but if it doesn’t affect you then why does it matter? As always, what two consenting adults decide in the privacy of their bedroom is nobody else’s business.

For more information, see this map of non-monogamy, a description of relationship types, and my open relationship contract template.

Happy playing!

Personal FAQs

Here are answers to commonly asked questions I receive, in no particular order:

Biggest and smallest penises I have encountered

The biggest I’ve ever had was 9.5 inches and the smallest was probably 3-4 inches; both were difficult in different ways. The big one became very painful very quickly, especially with the extra friction from a condom, and I couldn’t manage many traditional positions. The smallest belonged to a guy who was a terrible lover; he didn’t care about my pleasure at all, and thought he was bigger than he actually was. I never corrected him but I was mentally laughing at his ego. Suffice to say that Small Boy only had one chance and never heard from me again.

My preferred penis size

I generally prefer anywhere from 6.5 inches to 8.5 inches at the absolute most. But I won’t turn down a potential lover if they fall outside that range because vaginal sex is only one part of sexual activities. It doesn’t take a well-endowed man to bring most women, myself included, immense pleasure.

Best and worst lovers I’ve had

My worst lover was Small Boy, as mentioned above, but once again not because he was small. His selfishness and ego, and total disinterest in making me feel good, are why he was awful. Had he actually cared about my pleasure even a little and he might have redeemed himself.

My best lover was a brief but intense affair. He was very passionate about pleasing me, not only for my sake, but because he genuinely got off on making me orgasm. It was almost like he could orgasm just from making me climax. He would beg to be allowed to please me – although not in a submissive way – because he loved doing it so much. He loved the scent, taste, and sight of women and femininity. His enthusiasm and passion were extremely arousing to me and made me feel relaxed and comfortable around him. He legitimately worshiped my body; he helped me feel sexy and cherished.

Best and worst sexual experiences

My best sex was the first time with my best lover, as described above. I was surprised because usually the first time with someone new involves a lot more fumbling and sloppiness than actual pleasure. But that first time we were together, when I experienced that level of passion, was something I’ll never forget.

I’ve had plenty of awful sex before, but there’s one specific instance that comes to mind as being among the worst. I was with my high school boyfriend and we were going at it. Right when I was about to orgasm, I heard one of my cats barfing up a hairball in the room. It completely ruined the moment and we couldn’t recover from the interruption that night. We laughed about it but I remember feeling extremely frustrated.

Turn ons, turn offs, and dealbreakers

My particular turn ons include blue eyes, being taller than me, and intelligence. If someone can talk philosophy or politics with me, I’ll be way more interested than some chiseled idiot. Also compassion, kindness, and an open mind are really big. Sure there are plenty of physical traits I love (like a cute butt!), but a personality can make or break attraction for me. As an example, I once worked with a guy who I thought was very, very sexy. I loved staring at him. Then one day he spewed vitriolic, misogynist nonsense from his mouth-hole and the attraction was instantly gone. It never came back.

I have several major turn offs: selfishness, egotism, willful ignorance, rudeness, and right-wing blabbermouths (see: Donald Trump). Again the basic physical appearance is much less important than personality, integrity, and strength of character. Also I really hate when men wear socks during sex.

I have only a few select dealbreakers: when someone doesn’t speak English fluently (that becomes a communication issue); guys who don’t trim their toenails; not liking animals (in a platonic way – I just don’t trust someone who can’t connect with animals on some level); people who judge others for stupid reasons; and people who are pushy. Anyone trying to impose their values on me will get an earful and/or blocked; I don’t judge you, so you don’t get to judge me. End of story.

I also feel inclined to post this disclaimer: EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. What I find attractive or repulsive is totally irrelevant. You need to find someone who YOU find attractive, and who reciprocates that sentiment.

Best and worst ways to meet someone

I am in no way an expert on this subject. I have met people in many different ways: online, through mutual friends or friends of family members, at common activities (school, work, etc), and randomly. What I can do is give a breakdown of how many people I’ve met through different activities as follows:

meetinglovers

In a future post, I will review various dating apps and websites based on my personal experiences. Online dating seems to be the way to go these days for many reasons; it’s certainly an arena that’s expanding rapidly.

Happy playing!

A First Time Story

Shortly after my 16th birthday, my girlfriend of about 6 months invited me over for the day.

We had up until that time been sexually active in every way except for actual intercourse. We had traded pictures, I had fingered her, eaten her out, received head, as well as hand jobs but neither of us had really broached the subject of sex.

In retrospect I probably should have pushed the subject a little more, but in all honesty had been fine as long as I came. So it didn’t matter as long as she was the one to provide it, for it did heighten the experience to have another do it instead of oneself. I saw sex just as another form of this and nothing more.

Anyway the day I went over her mom was out at work and we had the place to ourselves, so naturally as we had done many times before we began playing truth or dare. Each dare getting a little bit raunchier. The excitement was building; each of us had been pushing our boundaries and feeling one another out. Finally she told me that she had wanted to have sex for awhile and had specifically chosen for me to come over that day because her mom was out. So we went into the bedroom, all of our earlier excitement and energy having faded we undressed, and got into bed.

She got on top of me, put a condom on, and pulled the covers over us. I slid in and we began slowly to rise up and down. She grimaced a bit and we took it slow; it ended up lasting about 10 minutes. I remember thinking I would rather get head than this as it provides a lot more pleasure; because it was so tight it hurt her so we went really slow.

But we ended up doing it a second and a third time and a fourth time and jesus christ did I like it after the initial hesitation.

—M.O, male, 21 years old

Re-Post: Eroticization of Violence

For those who missed that wonderful birds and bees talk or slept through high school biology class – let’s begin with the basics. Sexual intercourse is the bedrock of human existence. With the exception of artificial insemination, egg and sperm unite through copulation. Intercourse can serve procreational purposes, recreational purposes, or both. This means that […]

via The Eroticization of Violence and a New Sexual Ethic — Zone of Non-being

Personal Sexperience & Life Lessons

My first time wasn’t very glamorous. I was 15 years old and had been dating my boyfriend (we’ll call him Justin) for about a month. He was the first one to ever get past first base – in fact we rocketed from first base to third without much preamble. I liked him, I trusted him, but I didn’t love him. We had fun and we cared about each other, but I didn’t love him.

One day we were getting hot and heavy and our clothes ended up strewn all over the floor. He was hard, I was wet, and we were grinding against each other. Then somehow it just ended up inside me (I should mention here that I accidentally broke my hymen when I was 8 due to a gymnastics mishap). We both looked at each other, wide-eyed and unsure, before lust overcame us both and we just went with it.

I didn’t particularly enjoy it – I was caught up in how weird the sensation felt. Once Justin was spent inside me (we didn’t use a condom), we kind of lay there together not speaking. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, we just had no idea what to say. We hadn’t discussed sex, nor had we planned for anything to happen. It was accidental sex.

I’d had opportunities before but they never seemed like ideal situations. I wasn’t someone who expected roses and candles for my first time, but I trusted my instincts. I wasn’t mad, sad, or upset in any way that my first time wasn’t special. I felt different afterward. It took me a good two days to really process what had happened, and get used to the idea of no longer being a virgin.

Now, with 20 years of hindsight, I have much more perspective on things.

I don’t regret dating Justin, nor do I regret that we were intimate. I do wish I had waited to have actual sex, because 6 months later I could have shared that gift with my first real love. Justin and I will always have that connection of being each other’s first. Although we remained friends on and off for another ten years, we are no longer in contact; I can’t help but wish I’d given that gift to someone special. It is an incredibly personal thing to give someone your virginity.

I’m also incredibly grateful that the lack of condom didn’t lead to pregnancy. I was VERY lucky in that regard.

Some people say giving yourself at any time is special, whether it’s the first or not. Some hold sex as a sacred thing to be shared only when truly in love. I’ve even met someone who couldn’t physically be with someone unless there were strong feelings between them. I personally don’t subscribe to that philosophy.

The best sex you can have is with someone you love, that much I won’t debate. Being able to fully trust someone and let go in a supportive environment makes everything that much more potent. Sex is at its finest when you know your partner is genuinely interested in pleasing you.

But you can still have a lot of fun without an emotional connection. It won’t be the same level of deep satisfaction – it may get you off, but it won’t fulfill you to the core. And sometimes that’s okay! I think having mediocre or less satisfying sex is good, in a way, because it helps us to appreciate the good stuff even more by comparison. And being able to fulfill your particularly lewd/kinky fantasies is immensely pleasurable. Most of us have a sexual bucketlist, and not all items can be fulfilled while in a relationship. Experimenting is great, expanding your horizons can be fun, and experience helps us fine tune our technique as we learn from others. Sex is awesome.

In the 20 years since Justin, I have had a full spectrum of amazing and horrifying experiences. I have learned a lot and tried many things, pushed my limits and pursued challenges. And I have gained a lot of perspective about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

Here is a list of conclusions I’ve drawn from my experiences:

  • Unless you know with absolute certainty that your relationship is monogamous without cheating, always use a condom. ALWAYS. STIs are common and very annoying. Most of them are easily treated but they’re a huge hassle. It’s a good idea to keep condoms with you at all times in case you need one.
  • NO MEANS NO. Never let someone talk you into something that makes you uncomfortable. If they try, get up and walk away. There are plenty of other people who will be respectful of your limits.
  • The best lovers are those who want to please you more than they want to be pleased. Someone who genuinely enjoys giving pleasure, and even gets off on doing it, is usually great at what they do. ALWAYS reciprocate the attention they give you.
  • Sex is only good when there’s communication. Don’t be afraid to say if something hurts, or if they’re doing it wrong. Talk about your needs, desires, and hot spots. Everyone is different and most people want to learn how to please you. If they’re unreceptive, walk away.
  • Similarly, let your partner know when they’re doing well. Moans and groans go a long way.
  • TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If a situation/person/activity makes you hesitate, then get out of it. Your subconscious brain can pick up on subtle cues that the conscious brain often ignores or minimizes. Your gut always knows best.
  • NEVER openly criticize someone’s body. You’re lucky you get to see it at all. If you think there’s something to be concerned about for health reasons, be tactful and respectful in mentioning it.
  • Try not to compare different partners. Everyone is unique and no two experiences, even with the same person, will be exactly alike. Comparisons don’t serve any purpose except to make us critical and judgemental.
  • Penis size matters a lot less than most people think. I’d rather be with a man who’s smaller but talented than with some hung idiot.
  • As long as they’re legal, safe, and consensual, explore your fetishes! Don’t feel guilty for having them – no one has to know but you and the person you play with.
  • The number of partners someone has had does not reflect who they are or their level of skill. Someone can have 100 partners under their belt and still be a terrible lover. Also, just because someone has had lots of partners, it doesn’t mean they don’t have standards. Numbers don’t really mean a whole lot in the bigger picture.
  • The brain is the largest erogenous zone. Example: I find a hearty philosophical debate more of a turn-on than dick pics. Stimulate the mind, then stimulate the body.
  • There are many different types of sex. Each has an appropriate time and place.
  • NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER. They will always find out one way or another. The satisfaction you get from a night of passion isn’t worth the heartache you cause someone you care about. If you’re tempted to stray, sit down and figure out why that is. Cheating is often reflective of a deeper issue in the relationship, which isn’t necessarily about sex.
  • It’s a fact that you will be rejected far more than you will succeed; learn to shake it off.